So this is what I am excited about?

I mentioned before that I thought I started my period....lets just say that's been confirmed...with cramps, cravings, sleepiness, and irritability. It's so weird that most girls dread their period. That is until, for whatever reason, they don't get it!

So the appointment was today. I got there early, of course, and the doctor was late, but it was ok. The nurse was fantastic! She was really personable and answered a lot of questions for me and made me really comfortable.

When the doctor got there, he sat with us and went over the information we had given him, and then told us we had a choice:

1. We can do a regular pelvic, transvaginal ultrasound, and a pap (because I am waaaaaaaay overdue), then he will have me get some basic bloodwork done and then he will give a drug to make me have a real period and then I will go on Clomid as long as all is well.

2. I can do the full battery of tests, where I do all the above, but before starting Clomid we weed out any other possibilities. That means a semen analysis for DH, a look at my fellopian tubes for blockages, etc., plus full genetic testing, and adds a couple of months to the time.

He said its up to us, and that since I am young, have a previous diagnosis (that he would confirm) and am in good health. So now we have that decision to make.

Let me tell you about the OTHER part of the visit....allllll those tests in option one! Ugh.

As I mentioned before, I started my period a few days ago. It has been really light, not even spotting really...just some funny colored CM.

Right before the pelvic exam he asks if I need to use the restroom, and I do. I go in and sure enough, I have actually started bleeding! I told the nurse and she said it's fine, since it isn't really a lot (yes, she checked my underwear!). I get on the table- heart sounds good, lungs sound good, breast exam is fine...time for the fun part. The actual pap smear isn't bad, but since I have PCOS he wants to check for endometrial cancer and that test will cause "some minor cramping" and do I want to do that, just to be safe? Sure, why not? It might save me from doing it later.

MINOR CRAMPING MY ASS! I was almost positive an alien was going to burst from my pelvis.

But it's over, and time for the ultrasound. Pretty typical really. Really uncomfortable, but he showed me my ovaries and all the cysts on the outside. He said it looks like typical Polycystic Ovaries, which is good, because we basically know how to treat that. He ALSO said that it looks like I did in fact ovulate during this cycle.

WHAT THE HECK???

So technically, if I had had sex on the right day, we wouldn't even BE here.

Ok...calm down and try to take it as good news. Hey! It looks like my parts all work, they just need to be kicked into gear!

After that, the exam was all over, and my paper gown, my legs, the paper sheet (which is a wee wee pad like you use for a dog) look like the end results of Shark Week, I get to go clean up.

So now, I get to have some basic blood tests (diabetes, a genetic test for those of jewish heritage, and std [j/i/c!] basically), and then make an appointment in about 3 weeks to see where we want to go from there.

DH and I talked about it a little, and I think we are going to skip the major testing. Why worry if there is no need? If I get those tests done before we know there is a problem, I will freak out until I get the results and I don't think I can take that.

So it looks like I will be on Clomid pretty soon! I am excited and scared! Gah!

The surprise...

So...when I did my midday CM check...I was surprised to find that it was thick, opaque and sliiiiiiiiiightly brown.

WTF????

Fast forward to me googling 'beige tinted cervical mucus' and praying that I don't get creepy pictures, and here are the things that the almighty google said it could be:

1. Implantation (in my wildest dreams)
2. Ovulation (see #1)
3. I started a period (This would still be good news)
4. Ruptured cysts. (I REALLY don't want it to be this)

So here is what I did...said a little prayer, had sex, and went to the drug store and bought ovulation predictor kits, pads, and a pregnancy test. So I have 3 of my bases covered. Then when I got home I realized that (duh) the doctor will probably test me for all of the above. So now it's just the waiting game.

So now I know nothing, except now I am a little freaked.

God I can't wait till Monday!

The Appointment.

I did it. I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I spoke with my GP about it, and he seemed pretty enthused and like he thought it would go well. He said to definitely ask about Metformin, which I was on as a teen but it made me sick. Apparently a lot of PCOS girls who just take Metformin, without clomid or anything else, get pregnant within the first couple months. Now to not get my hopes up too high! And I am freaking out about all the things that could go wrong...it could be crazy expensive, I could miscarry, I could have no success at all, I could hate the RE and have to drive 3 hours to see the next closest one, etc. etc.

I have kept my weight around 255 for the last few months. I had lost about 15 lbs doing Zumba 3 times a day, but we moved with my mom while waiting for our house to be finished and there just is no room. We close on our house in May, so I am definitely looking forward to that!

I think the time has come to tell *some* of our family that we are trying to get pregnant. I won't want to tell anyone when we are pregnant for the first trimester, since there is a sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightly elevated risk of miscarriage. But we will want to share with some people, and have them understand our concerns. I really want to tell my dad and stepmom, and DH wants to tell his mom and sister, and I think that's a good idea. I am excited and nervous all at once.

Bad Information

I think every woman with PCOS knows the feeling of trying to find information on the syndrome. There is not enough good information out there, and no one source answers all of our questions. A friend of mine who was recently diagnosed shared some misinformation she had originally thought to be fact from the following website (her tip off was the person who wrote the sites inability to spell "physical").
http://www.child-wish.com/

Please, PLEASE be careful about the information that you find, or that you put out there. Be sure you are beiung accurate and truthful, because you can unintentionally make someone elses journey so much worse. Read more than one source, talk to more than one doctor, and take everything with a grain of salt.

Please feel free to post other misinformation you have heard or come across, so we can compile a list!

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day, and I am so glad to have 2 moms! My parents split when I was a kid, and I really know it was for the best. My dad remarried a great lady and now I have two wonderful moms, and I was lucky enough to have known 3 grandmothers in my life; my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandmother, and my stepgrandmother. I am so lucky to have been surrounded by so many wonderful, amazing, powerful females.

There is sadness for me here too, since I am no closer to being a mother myself. It is hard to think about sometimes. Of course, now that I am married and all, my husband and I are constantly asked when we are going to have kids, and we just tell everyone we are waiting till things settle down.

Hubbys eagerness to have kids is definitely getting harder to hide now that his brothers girlfriend is pregnant, and in her third trimester. That concerns me for a lot of reasons. For one, people may realize that we are having difficulty getting pregnant, and that will feel like failure to me. I don't want sympathetic looks, or pity, or any of that. I don't want people to know, at least right now, that we are havng a problem getting pregnant. I just can't handle that. Another concern is that they will think that I don't want children and he does, and that I am holding him back. I don't want people to think that we aren't happy or are having marital issues, when nothing could be further than the truth!

That leads to my biggest concern. What if he starts to get frustrated and really does start to resent that I can not get pregnant naturally? What if this does cause a rift in our marriage? It probably is a non-issue, and probably not something I actually have to worry about, but all the same...

Today it is especially hard to be infertile, because I think about all the wonderful things about being a mom, and all the things that I will probably not like when I am a mom (late nights, early mornings, cleaning up messes) and thinks about how great even those things sound right now.

I saw this on postsecret this morning:

That pretty much sums it up.

Moving Forward

I have been pretty depressed since my grandmother passed away.
I have gained weight, and never did get those tests done that the doctor wanted me to do.

So now, I am starting from square one, or even further back.

I heard something really good today; Before taking an action, don't think about the immediate consequence, think it all the way through. If I scarf down french fries, sure it tastes good. But I will also not lose the weight and be pissed at myself for like a day. Going for a walk feels like work, but if I do it I will feel better each time. Let's hope this works.