Meeting 9

I can't believe we are already at meeting 9 in our MAPP class!

Tonight we are turning in our family book. Greg and I made a little video along with it that has a house tour and that sort of thing. We figured if we adopt a younger child who can not read yet, the video will give them enough to go on. It was fun to make, but nerve wracking. It seems easy; just sit in front of a  camera and talk about yourself...hah! As of this moment, the book is not completed. I still have a couple more pictures to add and I need to write a vision statement and a mission statement. I am having a hard time with that. Greg thinks it only needs to be a sentence or so, but I think it needs to be a paragraph.

We are also turning in our birth parent letter. This makes me nervous. I just don't want to say the wrong thing. I want them to know that we care deeply for their child, and that we will never try to break the bond that is there.

Tonight the adoption worker should be there, plus someone from the Coalition who is supposed to tell us the scary stuff, to make us realize exactly what we are signing up for I guess.

I am just so excited I could die! I am ready to start the home study process!

Lately

There are a lot of things going on lately.

For one, we turned in our preliminary paperwork for adoption. I am SUPER excited. We were the first ones, so hopefully, we will be the first ones processed and the first to begin our homestudy.

I made up announcements for family and friends, and one to put on Facebook. I haven't ordered the ones we are mailing out, because I am still too nervous. They are really pretty, and have the adoption creed printed on them. We also linked to a website we created for our friends and family to follow our progress. It has less info than this blog, because I am not ready to share every gory detail with my entire family, and my husbands extended family too...at least not in that way.

At this point we are taking a break from fertility treatments. We are however, still doing some investigating. We are checking for other causes besides the PCOS for our fertility issues. If you have read this blog for a while, you know that we had this option towards the beginning of this issue, but we thought it was best to wait. Now I wish I had done it then. I am having an HSG this Tuesday, and Greg is having a semen analysis. Once we find out what is happening, the doctor will give us some options. At that time we will decide whether to continue with fertility treatments or to wait a little while.

Frankly, at this point, I feel frustrated with the whole process, and I feel like this can wait a while. I really feel that adoption is what we are supposed to do right now. I feel like our child, or children are waiting, and we need to go find them.

BACK to adoption,

We are trying to practice positive parenting techniques. We are trying to take this very seriously. We were both lucky to have parents who love us so very much, but for different reasons, we both had parents who brought us up in stressful situations. So, sometimes the parenting techniques weren't so perfect. Frankly, it wasn't really different from, as our teacher called it "Good old fashioned American parenting". If you did something wrong, you got scolded and grounded, there was a lot of arguing and that sort of thing. Through positive parenting, you achieve a happier household, and avoid coercion. I really think these techniques make a lot of sense. It was sort of an "Aha!" moment when we talked about them in class. It was like...oh, that makes so much more sense.

Since I am very new to this, I don't want to explain it improperly, so there are some great resources I found online at the bottom of this post. We try to practice a little everyday, although it is difficult since we don't have kids of our own. We just do the role-playing we find online. Hopefully, it will make it more accessible in our minds when the time comes.

http://www.deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.351

http://www.4kidsofsfl.org/document.doc?id=34 (this is the actual homework from the class, try using this for when you practice!)

http://www.safechildrencoalition.org/files/document/AdoptionHandbook120402111346.doc (This doesn't really have anything to do with the above post, it was just handy and I found it!)

Meeting

Last Wednesday was meeting 5...maybe 6. I have honestly lost count. I hope they tell us when to stop coming...

Anyways, the adoption coordinator brought with her a lovely girl of about 15 who was in foster care. I can't tell you much about her, to maintain her right to privacy, but it is sufficient to say she had it rough. She had multiple dissapointments and was obviously doing her best to cope. Her story nearly brought me to tears. It was a lot to take in. When asked what she wanted in a family of her own, she said "Someone who will love me and spend time with me." How can that not bring you to tears. How could so many people have quit on this kid? This KID.

As she told us about herself, we both noted how much she had in common with us, and other family members. Greg kept squeezing my hand. I honestly wanted to take her home with me right then. The only issue was that she said she would prefer to be the only child or the youngest child, because younger kids take away a lot of attention. That is a big issue for me. It's really my only deal breaker. I have always known I would have a big family, and if I adopt a teen who doesn't want younger siblings, it could really make it difficult for me to do so. When we talked to the adoption specialist, she said that while she may need some extra attention, most kids want siblings one day and then don't the next, so I shouldn't worry about it too much. I just don't want to sell either of us short. I don't want to have any regrets if I adopt because I feel like I am losing out on my dream, and I don't want her to feel like she isn't getting the love she needs. I don't want to dissapoint her again.

The biggest gain for me that night was watching Greg. Greg really truly felt for this girl, and felt an instant attachment to her. I know it's different for men. Men need to meet their kids before attaching, while women are attached from the moment we pee on the stick, or, in our case, read a profile. I have been showing him pictures of kids that I am interested in, and I had become attached, to their photos and 1 paragraph blurbs. I had read and re-read them, looking for some bit of insight that maybe I had missed before, and all I could get out of him was "yeah, we should think about it." But Wednesday, and Thursday, he did not stop talking about this girl. It really melted my heart.

This week we have really seemed to be able to identify some needs and strengths of our family, which is a big part of this process. I have a need for a large family. We have the strength of a real support system, and that we are both on the same page. We have the strength that we have a family full of fun, diverse people, who all have different things to offer any child we adopt, from music, to girlie things, to help in school, and of course a ton of love!

Support

Before Greg and I decided to start the adoption process, we had a long discussion about finances, work and how that stuff would work. We knew it would be a little tight, but we can definitely do it.

Today, I had a discussion with my boss about us adopting. I basically was letting him know that it was serious, and that there may be some changes. He was SO happy. He was really genuinely excited for us, and wanted to know all about it. That felt.....GREAT. Then, after he left, he called me to let me know that when we did have a placement, that he would do everything he could to make sure I get the hours I need and work with my schedule. I didn't even have to ask. That felt....amazing.

We are so lucky to have the support system that we do. Not everyone does.

Frustrating...

So one of the kids that we are interested in possibly adopting...I search him every day and read his description and look at his picture...he is just so beautiful. Anyways...they took his picture down yesterday. I know he isn't my kid, and I know we haven't gotten anywhere close to being ready to adopt yet, but I like to dream about being his mom. There is a sibling group we are interested in too. A brother and sister. It's really exciting/nervewracking to think about.

We are heading to Ikea with a couple of friends today. I am pre-shopping for furniture for the guest room. If we adopt a sibling group, it will be one of our kids bedrooms. If we just adopt one child it will stay a guest room. I have to think about furniture versatility! We decided to put a bed in only one of the extra bedrooms so that we can let our kids (!!!!!) pick out their own rooms when they move in for good. For now, the non-guest room will have bookshelves (that can be moved around the house later) and a table that I can use as a desk.

We could start meeting kids before the end of the year. That is mind-blowing.

MAPP Class #1

Well, despite being 30 minutes late because we had the wrong address, MAPP was great. There are 3 other adoptive families in our group. We did an overview and talked about strengths and needs for children in foster care, our family, and birth families. We talked about what we will go over on the course, and how important participation is. We got our first homework, which is an overview of psychotropic drugs, a family assessment and a hypothetical case meant to make us think about the people involved in the process from removal to reunification/adoption.

I am super excited to continue the class!

Last night was the last night of Provera for this cycle. I am really hoping this cycle I ovulate!

MAPP and what to expect.

We start MAPP tomorrow.

I am super excited. I have been researching and what not for weeks! It's really hard to know EXACTLY what it will be like, but I did find this outline. I am sorry to say I did not save the website from which I got it (duh).

MAPP

Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting

MAPP provides a structured format through which prospective foster (and adoptive)
parents can be selected and prepared to work with child welfare agencies as team members in helping troubled children and teens. It provides these parents with information about children’s feelings regarding their birth families, the realities of separation and attachment, the impact of a new child o one’s own family, and how to parent children who have been sexually abused.

MAPP is designed to provide a foundation for foster parents as they move through this
selection process to the placement of children in their homes and, hopefully, placement stability.

MEETING 1
Welcome to the Group Preparation and Selection Program
Acquaints leaders and participants with the Group Preparation and Selection Program and each other. Explanation of the process; discussion of foster care, adoption, and permanency planning; outline and discussion of the roles and responsibilities of foster parenting and adoptive parenting; communication skills building.

MEETING 2
Where MAPP Leads: A Foster Care & Adoption Experience
Overview of a foster care and adoption experience from the perspectives of clients (children and parents), foster parents, adoptive parents, and child welfare workers. Demonstrates the stresses and losses which can lead to foster care placement or adoption; what happens if a foster home placement or adoption does not work out; how families are reunited; how children are moved into adoption; and how some youth in foster care move into independent living.

MEETING 3
Losses and Gains: The Need to be a Loss Expert
Explores the impact of separation on the growth and development of children, and the impact of foster care and adoptive placement on the emotions and behaviors of children and parents. Examines personal losses (death, divorce, infertility, children leaving home) and how difficult life experiences affect success as adoptive parents or foster parents. Emphasizes the partnership roles of foster parents, adoptive parents, and social workers in turning separation losses into gains.

MEETING 4
Helping Children with Attachments
Explores the subject of attachment and child development. Focuses on how attachments are formed and the special needs of children in foster care and adoption (especially in the areas of building self-concept and appropriate behavior). Discusses the partnership roles of foster parents, adoptive parents, and child welfare workers in helping children form new attachments.

MEETING 5
Helping Children Learn to Manage Their Behaviors
Discusses techniques for managing behavior, with an emphasis on alternatives to physical punishment. Topics include special issues in discipline for children who have been physically or sexually abused or neglected. Techniques to be discussed include being a "behavior detective," reinforcement, time out, mutual problem solving, structuring and setting limits, negotiating, and contracting.

MEETING 6
Helping Children with Birth Family Connections
Examines the importance of helping children in care maintain and build upon their identity, self-concept, and connections. Considers issues such as how children's cultures and ethnic backgrounds help shape their identity; the connections children risk losing when they enter care; and why visits and contacts with birth families and previous foster families are important.

MEETING 7
Gains and Losses: Helping Children Leave Foster Care
Discusses family reunification as the primary case planning goal as well as alternatives like foster care, adoption, and independent living. Examines disruption and its impact on children, families, and agency staff. This meeting also focuses on the partnership role of child welfare workers, foster parents, and adoptive parents in helping children move home, into an adoptive home or into independent living.

MEETING 8
Understanding the Impact of Fostering or Adopting
In the previous meetings, we discussed and "felt" what foster care and what adoption are all about. We learned about separation and attachment, how to build and maintain relationships with children and how to support them in working out the emotions they have for the important people in their lives. We've devoted a lot of time to the roles of both the foster parents and the adoptive parents, and the special way they will improve the lives of many children and families. But what will be the impact of all this effort on the foster families and adoptive families? How will this experience affect their marriage, children, relatives, friends, job, and income? In Meeting 8, we find out!

MEETING 9
Perspectives in Adoptive and Foster Parenting
This meeting is open to all members of prospective foster and adoptive families, especially children, grandparents, close friends—anyone who will play a major role in the foster family or adoptive family. This meeting features guest foster families and adoptive families. The guests will talk about their personal experiences in fostering and adopting. Some of the topics include: impact on marriage and family, visiting parents, discipline, searching, helping children with family reunification, and making adoptions work. Other panel members may be attorneys, social workers, and birth parents.

MEETING 10
Endings and Beginnings
The important tasks of this meeting will be to assess group members' strengths and needs as foster parents or adoptive parents. There also will be some time to say good-bye ... the ending. As the preparation/mutual selection process is coming to an end, so begins the transition into becoming a foster family or adoptive family ... the beginning.

Each class is about 3 hours long, once a week. I have heard that you have to watch a lot of videos that have some pretty gruesome stories from children about the things they came from, and that there is a lot of discussion and role-playing. I am excited to learn about all of this. I also have read that you start your homestudy process while in these classes. You get all your doctors notes, marriage and birth certificates, and other documentation out of the way, start writing bios of yourselves and your family, and are assigned a case worker. I am really excited!  We are also still working on getting the house in order. Greg finished painting, and now we need to furnish and organize. Yeah...there's still a ton to do!