Another dud...

Well...I just got the results of my test back. My progesterone level was a .3. That's a big fat negative on the ovulation. Basically, the nurse said that a 12 wasn't big enough to be a dominant follicle, so it reabsorbs (and then you have PCO). Back to the Provera!

I am going to start doing yoga for 30 minutes a day and walking for 30 minutes a day as well to help encourage this cycle. I am starting Provera again tonight...pray for my husband!

Another day of waiting

Progesterone test was at 7am...waiting for results.

My stomach hurts and tropical storm debby is kicking my butt.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ok, so first of all, my titles get lamer every post. Sorry.

I have decided to not be anonymous. Not that I am going to give out all my personal info, but for posterity I think I need to be able to say where I am, names, etc. I spoke to DH (Greg) about it, and he said it was fine with him.

I had to drive to Tampa at 7am in a tropical storm, on a Sunday, to have another ultrasound. Not. Fun. Luckily, Greg came with me and we had a lot of fun, but I always have fun with him. It was even more fun when I was having the ultrasound and the guy said "It looks like you've ovulated!" I can't even convey how happy I was to hear those words. Greg smiled at me from his chair. Neither of the follicles were there anymore! Then, the doctor confused the heck outta me! He said I should have my progesterone test on CD21 as planned to make sure I ovulated.

So here is my question; If I had TWO maturing follicles, at 12 and 10mm 2 days ago, and now I have ZERO follicles, if I didn't ovulate, what happened to them?

ANYWAYS...Greg and I excitedly made the treck through the storm home because we had very specific orders from the doctor to have sex asap! You have to obey your doctors orders!

Also, I didn't see a positive LH test, even though I tested EVERY day. So did I miss it? Or did I not ovulate? Gah! So confusing!

ALSO; is a follicle that was approximately 14mm (at 2mm a day) viable?

Steady as she goes!

Went back to the clinic today for another ultrasound. Before I get to the results, let me just say how fantastic this tech was. I absolutely adore her. She was helpful, made sure to tell me exactly what she saw, made sure I understood everything...I just loved her. She even gave me a hug and wished me good luck. LOVED HER. She even went over my results from last time, and I learned that my lining was only 4.5mm last time, which is at least .5mm too thin.

The results; I now have TWO follicles on my right ovary, and my lining is now 8mm (w00t). The one that was 5mm is now 12mm (!), and the other guy is 10mm. This is GOOD news! I am a late bloomer! I knew that could happen, but according to Super Ultrasound Tech, it isn't that uncommon, and she has had women who had 38 day cycles who got pregnant. The tech said that the nurse will call me today after the doctor looks at the results to see if I will have another ultrasound this weekend or Monday. 

Here is the thing; knowing that my cycle is a little longer is a good thing, because now we know to test a little later than we were originally for progesterone. It doesn't mean that I will definitely get pregnant this month, or that the follicles will continue growing. It means that we are making progress. I need to stay grounded to stay in this.

I am staying positive, and I am definitely going to keep doing yoga and meditation to keep myself relaxed and centered. Here is my favorite meditation video so far. I hope it helps you ladies!

A little prayer

To all my soul cysters, and anyone else struggling to stay positive and hopeful through their own fertillity struggles.

Staying hopeful

So today was a rough day. My doctors office that is nearest to me was closed for the week, so we had to go to his main office, which is about 2 hours away. No big deal, especially because it was also near the airport we had to take DH's sister to.

We got there, and I was about 20 minutes early. The lady at the desk informed us that our appointment was actually at his OTHER office, about 30 minutes away, so we rushed to the other office. Luckily, they were running a little ahead of schedule and could fit me in.

DH decided to stay in the room while I had the ultrasound. I needed the support. I had really good hopes for today. Unfortunately, I only had like 3 follicles, and the largest was only 5mm, which isn't large enough for the hCG shot. The nurse told me how large it has to be, but I was barely listening at that point. From what I gathered online, it needs to be around 16mm.

Needless to say, I was pretty depressed. I spoke a little with the nurse, and she said that I am on the highest dosage of Clomid allowed, and that there are other drugs I can try next round, like Femara. I said I thought I would like to try that. She said she would ask the doctor and give me a call.

I was so upset. I really had high hopes for this cycle. DH decided to drive a ways out of our way to the next big city to take me to Ikea, figuring that would cheer me up. Even the almighty Swiss Furniture Gods couldn't brighten my day by much.

We went home, and I did some research on yoga and meditation for fertility since I need an outlet, and I need to practice loving myself. When your body isn't cooperating, it can be hard to love it, and to remember to love yourself, and to not get too depressed. I found some great yoga poses and some meditation videos online that really helped me feel better. I will tell you that I am not good at meditation...a big part of me thinks it's pretty lame, and a waste of time, because my mind races and I don't like to be still for that long. But, if I lay in my bed alone, and just focus on the sounds of the video, I did find it to be relaxing and helpful. The yoga helped a TON! I released a ton of stress from my body. Of course, any physical activity that you enjoy can be helpful. Just remember to stay positive.

Taking charge

I called my doctors office because I hate taking the Clomid, and I want to know if it is doing anything at all, and I want the trigger shot, which will make me ovulate. They said yes! As long as I have the sonogram and it shows a developing follicle, I can have the trigger shot.

The trigger shot is human chorionic gonadotropin. There can be some crappy side effects, of which I think I will probably have all of...since that seems to be how it works for me. The side effects are headache, irritability, breast tenderness, water retention, weight ggain and....depression! Yay! Nothing says "let's make a baby" like fat depressed people.

There is also a higher risk of multiples, which scares me...like a lot. Twins would be a shock, but we would manage. Anything higher than that and we will have to completely overhaul our lives.


Fathers Day I talked to my dad and stepmom about my treatments, and how I am scared that it isn't working and I wished that there was more monitoring. My dad said "Well, have you talked to your doctor about it?" Oh. Hadn't thought of that....I called my doctors office, and told them that I wanted to talk about the trigger shot. They said ok. The moral of the story? Take charge of your own care! If you aren't happy speak up!

a laugh

Saw this on Pinterest and it made me giggle. I hope it brightens someone up on a bad day. HUG YOUR HUSBANDS when you aren't crazy! Remember they are fighting the war too!

Getting nervous

So the day after I had that line on the LH test I had nothing again...

That has sent me into extreme nervousness! According to the allmighty peeonastick.com, this is perfectly normal.

In fact, today I had a sliiiiiight line. I am starting to wonder if I should ask my doctor about using an hCG shot and an ultrasound. It is killing me to not know anything...KILLING ME.

Today is CD11, so if I was going to have the shot it would have to be by Tuesday probably, if there is anything close enough to developing. I don't know if having it would be bad if I would ovulate without it. I think I will go through this cycle, and if I don't ovulate, then I will ask the doctor about more screening.

I think that the LH testing, right now, is the worst part. Will you or won't you? I know that the two week wait will be worse, when it gets here, but for now, this is pretty awful.

Test 2

Ok...now I am getting kind of excited...

Today my test strip was pretty dark! It wasn't positive, but it was getting there! :-)

I think we are going to be pregnant this month!

Peeing on sticks

I have a 20 day OPK that I bought, and figured I would start testing now, since my period is over.

It's not the regular all in one monitor thingy. It's one of the pee in a cup and dip the strip ones. Gross right? But its cheaper than 20 of the other ones, so I figured I would give it a shot.

I am not a fan of the process. However...

Whether it's the Clomid or the new tests, I actually saw two lines! The test line was realllllly faint...but it wasn't a negative line!!!

In this process, you gotta celebrate the little things!

Last day of Clomid

Today is my last day of 200mg Clomid.

If I don't ovulate this time, I don't know that I can handle doing the Provera again. The side effects; pain, bloating, sleepiness, MOODINESS, etc. are too much to bare if I am not making any progress.

I want to talk to the doctor about taking something different. There are other drugs out there, or maybe there are some other options.

I just know that I, and my marriage, can't take a whole lot more of that.

I think I should have another ultrasound anyways, to see if anything at all is happening in there.

Yay!

   It seems that I am being granted a reprieve from the trauma that is my period! Yay! Today is the last day, I can tell. I think it's karma since I had that 14 day period 2 cycles ago.

   I almost forgot my Clomid yesterday. I had been keeping it in my purse, but forgot to put it back when I took my pills the other morning. So I was on my way to work, when suddenly the alarm on my phone goes off telling me that it's time to take it. I reach in my purse and think...SHIT. Luckily, I work about 5 minutes from home, so I made a U-turn, and rushed home to take them! I was only 3 minutes late for work! Not too shabby.

DH and I have been talking about birth options, knowing the gender, names, etc.

   I would prefer a home-birth over anything else, but DH would prefer a hospital. It's funny, because our reasoning is the same; safety and people who are concerned about our wishes. I am afraid of infection, surgery I don't need, medications I don't need, induction, unneccesary time in the hospital, medications the baby doesn't need, doctors who aren't paying attention to my wishes, etc. He is afraid of infection, unplanned emergencies, etc. and being too far from a hospital if there is an emergency, as well as people who are too much about doing it naturally to recognize distress from me or the baby. The compromise is that home-birth is out, but we will check out a birthing center, and the hospital. DH is on board with the birthing center 100% IF (because there's always an if) when we go he feels that it is clean, properly prepared for an emergency, that the staff is on board with going to the hospital if that is what I or the baby need, and close enough to the local hospital. The point is, I believe there are a lot of great options out there, no matter your concerns. It is important to research them so that you know what you are getting into. For instance, my SIL wanted to have a C-section. She didn't want to have vaginal tearing, she didn't want pitocin, and she wanted to make sure the baby didn't have the stress of a long labor. Those were the issues she was concerned with, so she made the best decision for her; a scheduled C-section. My choice is different, because I have different concerns. A lot of health practicioners, be they midwives, OB's or just MD's seem to forget that patients are also individuals. Be sure that you don't end up in a bad situation by doing your research, and making sure your voice is heard.

A Brighter Day

Today is the first day I woke up without feeling like I was in a fog. Also, my period is starting to lighten up a bit...thank goodness!

I am on day two of 200mg of Clomid. I definitely had the lightheadedness yesterday, but today, so far so good.

I still feel like this is the cycle. This is the one that I will get pregnant. I hope I am right. After the last few days, I am not sure I can go through another round of Provera. Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about Prometrium finally, or other alternatives.

Pharmacies

So the directions on my Clomid package say "Take 4 pills a day". That's it. I went to the pharmacy today and asked the pharmacist, who looked like your stereotypical surfer dude, whether I should take them all at once or stagger them out, or what. He said that it was fine to take them all at once. I then explained that I had previously split them into two doses a day. He said that was fine too...

I can't even begin to tell you how much that pissed me off. For the love of god, I came in to get some direction about taking a serious business drug. Not only could I have side effects if I take too much, but if I take it improperly it could also not work, meaning that my doctor would up my dosage thinking that was the issue, and then I could have really serious complications. Call a more experienced pharmacist, look it up, GOOGLE IT for gods sake.

I went to another CVS, and told the pharmacist there my issue, and he LOOKED IT UP. AMAZING! For the record, I am to take it all at once in the morning. Now how hard was that.

On another note, I am a little pissed because the pharmacist who ended up being helpful is sort of a friend of my husbands. When he saw my husband, he congratulated him. This really really upset me. I am a super private person in my day to day life. No one at work knows I am trying to get pregnant, none of my friends know, not even my mother knows. I don't want pity, lectures, etc. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, or think I should quit, or if it doesn't work think I should try harder or pity me. He probably won't, but I really feel like now everyone my husband and I know that work at that pharmacy all know that I can't get pregnant naturally. It is really humiliating, and I know it shouldn't be. I feel like there shouldn't be shame, but I feel it.
My husband doesn't understand. He just said that the guy was trying to be nice. I said what if you were taking medicine because you had bad sperm. Would you want everyone to know, or would you feel demasculinized? Because that is how I feel. I feel like everyone knows there is something wrong with me.

*update: I spoke to the nurse at my doctors office and she confirmed that I should take them all at once. I am still upset about what happened yesterday, but not quite so much. I just feel embarrassed. I know he meant well, but I really wish he hadn't said anything.

Here we go again!

So about 2 hours after I posted I found some slight spotting in my underwear! THAT was fast...I am wondering if it will develop into a full blown period by tomorrow? Wouldn't that be great??

I also learned that the crazy bad acne I have developed over the last couple weeks is due to the Provera. I knew that it was hormone related, but I didn't know if it was the Clomid or the Provera.

I ALSO learned that the reason I have been gassy with diarrhea every day for the last 6 days or so is because of the Metformin. Have fun with that ladies!

I am calling the doctor tomorrow to see if they think that I should start Clomid or not. I will let you know.

Waiting...

But not how you think.

I am at my house on my day off with a million things to do waiting for the cable guy to finish. Ugh! It isn't his fault really. Our brand  spankin' new house is wired funny. Maybe I will get stuff done tomorrow. Maybe.

Priming for round two!

I took my last Provera last night! Yay!

So far, the moodiness seems to be less intense. I can tell that I am still all over the place but it isn't as extreme. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that we are really happy in our new house, and that I know what to expect now. Also, I think the worst symptoms were actually after I had finished the Provera, like 3 days before I had my period. I was on a rampage! Hopefully I continue to maintain my balance!

I am really excited and have a good feeling about this cycle. I have been trying to eat better, and succeeding. I haven't been exercising since I got really sick, so I need to start doing that again for sure. I am very hopeful that this will be the cycle. I just have a feeling. I really hope I am right.

No news is good news

So far so good on the new medicines. I seem less moody this time around, but we are only a couple days in. I think the glucophage is messing with my appetite. I am almost never hungry, and when I eat I feel sick almost immediately afterwards. Maybe I just still have a little tummy bug.

Sorry my posts are so sporadic lately! We moved and I STILL haven't gotten the internet hooked up so I have to do this on my phone or if I can steal internet from a neighbor for a second. It will be back up this week.