November Surprise!

I haven't been on anything besides metformin for about3 months now and I got a random, super crampy, period! I can tell it's going to be pretty light, and more than likely anovulatory, but still...

We are talking about starting the shots soon. I am still nervous though!

Meeting 9

I can't believe we are already at meeting 9 in our MAPP class!

Tonight we are turning in our family book. Greg and I made a little video along with it that has a house tour and that sort of thing. We figured if we adopt a younger child who can not read yet, the video will give them enough to go on. It was fun to make, but nerve wracking. It seems easy; just sit in front of a  camera and talk about yourself...hah! As of this moment, the book is not completed. I still have a couple more pictures to add and I need to write a vision statement and a mission statement. I am having a hard time with that. Greg thinks it only needs to be a sentence or so, but I think it needs to be a paragraph.

We are also turning in our birth parent letter. This makes me nervous. I just don't want to say the wrong thing. I want them to know that we care deeply for their child, and that we will never try to break the bond that is there.

Tonight the adoption worker should be there, plus someone from the Coalition who is supposed to tell us the scary stuff, to make us realize exactly what we are signing up for I guess.

I am just so excited I could die! I am ready to start the home study process!

FAPA Picnic summary

The picnic was amazing. I learned so much, and saw so many beautiful babies. All of the foster and adoptive parents were fantastic, and super helpful. They all wanted to answer all of my and my friends questions, and tell us all about all of their angels.

 I met a beautiful little angel. Her foster mom seemed to think we might be a good fit. This angel will probably be free for adoption soon. Could it be meant to be? The angel fell asleep in my arms while taking a bottle. I was in love.

Foster/Adoptive Parent Association Picnic

I am really excited because today, in just a couple of hours, is the FAPA picnic. The foster mom from our class invited all of us. It's a chance to talk to other people who have gone through this process before us, and to learn, and to actually meet some kids who are up for adoption. My friend is coming with me, who has just started her journey. Greg has to work, so he can't make it. It stinks because he almost never works weekends, but THIS particular weekend, he does have to work. Boo!

We have been working on our family book. My parents wanted to write a little message in it, welcoming any kids who read it, which is really sweet. I have to find more pictures of me. I like to take pictures, but I am not a fan of being in them. I am going to have to get over that! I also have to include a values statement and a mission statement. That is the hardest part thus far. A few sentences to summarize what we want for our kids. That is a pretty lean breakdown to say the least!

We also need to finish our birthparent letter. It's pretty hard. There are a lot of mixed emotions, and you don't want your joy to interfere with their pain. Lot's to think about.

HSG

I really had myself all worked up over nothing on that HSG!

The speculum hurt...but it always does. I had some minor cramping for about an hour afterwards. Other than that, no big deal. I did take the 800mg of Ibuprofen recommended by the doctor an hour before.

The good news is, no blockages, no scarring. Everything looks good! Now we are just waiting for Greg to get a semen analysis so that we have all the details. Again, we are not going to start the hormone treatments right away, because frankly, I am just not ready to do that at this point. But if we already have all this info, then we can start right away when we are ready.

Lately

There are a lot of things going on lately.

For one, we turned in our preliminary paperwork for adoption. I am SUPER excited. We were the first ones, so hopefully, we will be the first ones processed and the first to begin our homestudy.

I made up announcements for family and friends, and one to put on Facebook. I haven't ordered the ones we are mailing out, because I am still too nervous. They are really pretty, and have the adoption creed printed on them. We also linked to a website we created for our friends and family to follow our progress. It has less info than this blog, because I am not ready to share every gory detail with my entire family, and my husbands extended family too...at least not in that way.

At this point we are taking a break from fertility treatments. We are however, still doing some investigating. We are checking for other causes besides the PCOS for our fertility issues. If you have read this blog for a while, you know that we had this option towards the beginning of this issue, but we thought it was best to wait. Now I wish I had done it then. I am having an HSG this Tuesday, and Greg is having a semen analysis. Once we find out what is happening, the doctor will give us some options. At that time we will decide whether to continue with fertility treatments or to wait a little while.

Frankly, at this point, I feel frustrated with the whole process, and I feel like this can wait a while. I really feel that adoption is what we are supposed to do right now. I feel like our child, or children are waiting, and we need to go find them.

BACK to adoption,

We are trying to practice positive parenting techniques. We are trying to take this very seriously. We were both lucky to have parents who love us so very much, but for different reasons, we both had parents who brought us up in stressful situations. So, sometimes the parenting techniques weren't so perfect. Frankly, it wasn't really different from, as our teacher called it "Good old fashioned American parenting". If you did something wrong, you got scolded and grounded, there was a lot of arguing and that sort of thing. Through positive parenting, you achieve a happier household, and avoid coercion. I really think these techniques make a lot of sense. It was sort of an "Aha!" moment when we talked about them in class. It was like...oh, that makes so much more sense.

Since I am very new to this, I don't want to explain it improperly, so there are some great resources I found online at the bottom of this post. We try to practice a little everyday, although it is difficult since we don't have kids of our own. We just do the role-playing we find online. Hopefully, it will make it more accessible in our minds when the time comes.

http://www.deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.351

http://www.4kidsofsfl.org/document.doc?id=34 (this is the actual homework from the class, try using this for when you practice!)

http://www.safechildrencoalition.org/files/document/AdoptionHandbook120402111346.doc (This doesn't really have anything to do with the above post, it was just handy and I found it!)

Endometrial Shenanigans...

So...the nurse called.

According to my progesterone test, I did NOT ovulate.

Ummm...excuse me? I am pretty sure the spotting and the cramps beg to differ!

I was too surprised to protest, so she then told me the next thing was a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if I have blocked tubes or scarring or anything. For this to happen, I have to take antibiotics beforehand, and take ibuprofen for the cramping. Why cramping? Frankly, because they are putting things up your hoo ha that don't belong.

Anyways, after scheduling my HSG, I realized I still hadn't told her that I was spotting. So I called and left a message.

Why is my body so friggin complicated?

A little celebration.

I just went to the bathroom, like my hands are still damp from washing them, and I started my period! OMFG!!!!!!!!!

I cannot wait to call my doctor!

Greg and I both had a cold this month, at which point I was not LH testing, and we were definitely not having snotty, snotty sex!

Meeting

Last Wednesday was meeting 5...maybe 6. I have honestly lost count. I hope they tell us when to stop coming...

Anyways, the adoption coordinator brought with her a lovely girl of about 15 who was in foster care. I can't tell you much about her, to maintain her right to privacy, but it is sufficient to say she had it rough. She had multiple dissapointments and was obviously doing her best to cope. Her story nearly brought me to tears. It was a lot to take in. When asked what she wanted in a family of her own, she said "Someone who will love me and spend time with me." How can that not bring you to tears. How could so many people have quit on this kid? This KID.

As she told us about herself, we both noted how much she had in common with us, and other family members. Greg kept squeezing my hand. I honestly wanted to take her home with me right then. The only issue was that she said she would prefer to be the only child or the youngest child, because younger kids take away a lot of attention. That is a big issue for me. It's really my only deal breaker. I have always known I would have a big family, and if I adopt a teen who doesn't want younger siblings, it could really make it difficult for me to do so. When we talked to the adoption specialist, she said that while she may need some extra attention, most kids want siblings one day and then don't the next, so I shouldn't worry about it too much. I just don't want to sell either of us short. I don't want to have any regrets if I adopt because I feel like I am losing out on my dream, and I don't want her to feel like she isn't getting the love she needs. I don't want to dissapoint her again.

The biggest gain for me that night was watching Greg. Greg really truly felt for this girl, and felt an instant attachment to her. I know it's different for men. Men need to meet their kids before attaching, while women are attached from the moment we pee on the stick, or, in our case, read a profile. I have been showing him pictures of kids that I am interested in, and I had become attached, to their photos and 1 paragraph blurbs. I had read and re-read them, looking for some bit of insight that maybe I had missed before, and all I could get out of him was "yeah, we should think about it." But Wednesday, and Thursday, he did not stop talking about this girl. It really melted my heart.

This week we have really seemed to be able to identify some needs and strengths of our family, which is a big part of this process. I have a need for a large family. We have the strength of a real support system, and that we are both on the same page. We have the strength that we have a family full of fun, diverse people, who all have different things to offer any child we adopt, from music, to girlie things, to help in school, and of course a ton of love!

Super Negatives

So this is the weirdest cycle yet. I had light lines on CD 12 and on up, and then yesterday...BAM! Super Negative lines! What the heck? Did my LH really drop that low this early?

It's only CD20....

oh...wait.

Now I feel kinda dumb. They probably DID drop this low. Oye. I didn't realize I was so close to the end. I thought I had more time :-(

Updates and Adoption

Well, so far, I think this cycle is another big fat fail. No signs of ovulation yet. In fact, I noticed yesterday that the result strip in my LH test was LIGHTER than it has been recently, and it's only CD17, so that is probably not a good sign. I am a little bummed out, and I am glad that the next cycle will be a break for us. We are not going to do any fertility drugs while we plan for the hormone shots. I need to have some testing done, as does Greg, to make sure everything else is working properly. I need to make sure there are no blockages in my tubes, and I think check egg quality or something, and Greggypooh has to have a semen analysis. Like a dork, he forgot his last appointment, so I am sure it will take 7 years to get another one. Oh well.

On the adoption front, we are moving along steadily. I am still worried, but ok. I just think instead of having a little fear the whole way through, like most people do, I got it all at once. Greg and I have talked a LOT about it, and I know we are ready. I have also done a LOT of reading. Like, 4 books in about 2 weeks, and 1 more in the mail. Plus all of the homework, adoption blogs, and websites.

Here are my reviews of some of the books I have read:

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends.; and Adoption Is A Family Affair: What Relatives And Friends Should Know
I am reviewing these together because they are pretty similar. I really got these books for my parents, but I read them first, to make sure they were what I was looking for, and they totally were. They give a basic overview of adoption, and talk about how the children are the victims, not the offenders, and how it is important to remember that. They also talk a lot about the right things to say, and the wrong things, how to be supportive of adoptive parents without being judgemental or interfering with their parenting. Overall, great, relatively quick reads that will help open the floor for discussion. Even if you are just considering adoption, I think these are a great place to start. They are very much alike, but I think it is still beneficial to read both if you can!

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
*Before I write this review, I have to give a disclaimer. The authors of this book are supporters of Holding Therapy, which I believe to be a dangerous, and detrimental practice. I do not support the authors views on holding therapy (aka attachment therapy or Z-therapy). This therapy has been attributed to several deaths in children. *

This book is an eye-opener for anyone considering adopting from foster care. They do not sugar coat the issues that some of these kids have. While it deals mainly with kids who suffer from RAD or ODD and other severe issues, it definitely covers the more mainstream issues. For example, it talks about how kids who did not get a lot of verbal stimulation as children may not be able to follow commands properly, and that scolding them as you would a child who did not have a neglectful childhood can be detrimental. There are a lot of examples and testimonials from parents and children. They give a lot of interesting tips and suggestions for changing the way you think about parenting and discipline. One of the most interesting things was that instead of giving time-outs, having them do a chore with the parent, like washing the car or gardening, gives them the lesson that negative actions have negative consequences, but also gives them an opportunity to attach to the parent, and discuss the negative action. Another extremely valuable tip was to make sure that any therapist you choose has experience in adoption counseling, and understands that you need to know about everything discussed in therapy, and will not challenge your control as a parent. I could go on about the suggestions for hours. There is a lot of good information in this book if you discount the holding suggestions.

Thoughts

I am still dealing with these feelings of loss. That's the best way to describe it. I will be gaining soooo much, but in doing so, I will be losing this closeness and freedom with my husband. I will have to share him, and I guess I have to wrap my head around that some more.

Remember how I mentioned that there was a little boy we were interested in, and then his picture was gone? Well, now he isn't even listed anymore. I am assuming that means he has been adopted, and that is just awesome! I am a little sad, because I guess I had a sort of weird attachment to him somehow. I have learned that I need to keep my head open, and not get so ahead of myself!

I finished my last course of Femara a couple days ago. My period is over. This morning, I had a slight cramp in my lower right abdomen..right where my ovaries are...could it have worked? Do I have a maturing follicle? Time for OPK's!

Selfishness

Last night, I had a realization;

One way or another, Greg and I are coming to the end of our time of being "just us". Where we are the center of eachothers worlds. We don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings, ideas, plans besides our own.

I guess I realized this at some point, because we have talked about it before. It just became....real. What if I don't want to share this magnificent, wonderful, handsome, sweet, amazing man with anyone else. What if I want to keep being the center of his world? And keep him at the center of mine? It actually brought me to tears last night. I have been so gung-ho about the whole process, adoption and fertility treatments and thinking about what we would be gaining, that I didn't think about what we would be losing.

For the first time since we started pursuing having children, I am scared.

Support

Before Greg and I decided to start the adoption process, we had a long discussion about finances, work and how that stuff would work. We knew it would be a little tight, but we can definitely do it.

Today, I had a discussion with my boss about us adopting. I basically was letting him know that it was serious, and that there may be some changes. He was SO happy. He was really genuinely excited for us, and wanted to know all about it. That felt.....GREAT. Then, after he left, he called me to let me know that when we did have a placement, that he would do everything he could to make sure I get the hours I need and work with my schedule. I didn't even have to ask. That felt....amazing.

We are so lucky to have the support system that we do. Not everyone does.

Blegh...

So usually my period is absolutely horrendous. This time, so far, it hasn't been so bad. I mean, this is only day three, but I am not keeled over in pain so that seems great!

Frustrating...

So one of the kids that we are interested in possibly adopting...I search him every day and read his description and look at his picture...he is just so beautiful. Anyways...they took his picture down yesterday. I know he isn't my kid, and I know we haven't gotten anywhere close to being ready to adopt yet, but I like to dream about being his mom. There is a sibling group we are interested in too. A brother and sister. It's really exciting/nervewracking to think about.

We are heading to Ikea with a couple of friends today. I am pre-shopping for furniture for the guest room. If we adopt a sibling group, it will be one of our kids bedrooms. If we just adopt one child it will stay a guest room. I have to think about furniture versatility! We decided to put a bed in only one of the extra bedrooms so that we can let our kids (!!!!!) pick out their own rooms when they move in for good. For now, the non-guest room will have bookshelves (that can be moved around the house later) and a table that I can use as a desk.

We could start meeting kids before the end of the year. That is mind-blowing.

MAPP Class #1

Well, despite being 30 minutes late because we had the wrong address, MAPP was great. There are 3 other adoptive families in our group. We did an overview and talked about strengths and needs for children in foster care, our family, and birth families. We talked about what we will go over on the course, and how important participation is. We got our first homework, which is an overview of psychotropic drugs, a family assessment and a hypothetical case meant to make us think about the people involved in the process from removal to reunification/adoption.

I am super excited to continue the class!

Last night was the last night of Provera for this cycle. I am really hoping this cycle I ovulate!

MAPP and what to expect.

We start MAPP tomorrow.

I am super excited. I have been researching and what not for weeks! It's really hard to know EXACTLY what it will be like, but I did find this outline. I am sorry to say I did not save the website from which I got it (duh).

MAPP

Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting

MAPP provides a structured format through which prospective foster (and adoptive)
parents can be selected and prepared to work with child welfare agencies as team members in helping troubled children and teens. It provides these parents with information about children’s feelings regarding their birth families, the realities of separation and attachment, the impact of a new child o one’s own family, and how to parent children who have been sexually abused.

MAPP is designed to provide a foundation for foster parents as they move through this
selection process to the placement of children in their homes and, hopefully, placement stability.

MEETING 1
Welcome to the Group Preparation and Selection Program
Acquaints leaders and participants with the Group Preparation and Selection Program and each other. Explanation of the process; discussion of foster care, adoption, and permanency planning; outline and discussion of the roles and responsibilities of foster parenting and adoptive parenting; communication skills building.

MEETING 2
Where MAPP Leads: A Foster Care & Adoption Experience
Overview of a foster care and adoption experience from the perspectives of clients (children and parents), foster parents, adoptive parents, and child welfare workers. Demonstrates the stresses and losses which can lead to foster care placement or adoption; what happens if a foster home placement or adoption does not work out; how families are reunited; how children are moved into adoption; and how some youth in foster care move into independent living.

MEETING 3
Losses and Gains: The Need to be a Loss Expert
Explores the impact of separation on the growth and development of children, and the impact of foster care and adoptive placement on the emotions and behaviors of children and parents. Examines personal losses (death, divorce, infertility, children leaving home) and how difficult life experiences affect success as adoptive parents or foster parents. Emphasizes the partnership roles of foster parents, adoptive parents, and social workers in turning separation losses into gains.

MEETING 4
Helping Children with Attachments
Explores the subject of attachment and child development. Focuses on how attachments are formed and the special needs of children in foster care and adoption (especially in the areas of building self-concept and appropriate behavior). Discusses the partnership roles of foster parents, adoptive parents, and child welfare workers in helping children form new attachments.

MEETING 5
Helping Children Learn to Manage Their Behaviors
Discusses techniques for managing behavior, with an emphasis on alternatives to physical punishment. Topics include special issues in discipline for children who have been physically or sexually abused or neglected. Techniques to be discussed include being a "behavior detective," reinforcement, time out, mutual problem solving, structuring and setting limits, negotiating, and contracting.

MEETING 6
Helping Children with Birth Family Connections
Examines the importance of helping children in care maintain and build upon their identity, self-concept, and connections. Considers issues such as how children's cultures and ethnic backgrounds help shape their identity; the connections children risk losing when they enter care; and why visits and contacts with birth families and previous foster families are important.

MEETING 7
Gains and Losses: Helping Children Leave Foster Care
Discusses family reunification as the primary case planning goal as well as alternatives like foster care, adoption, and independent living. Examines disruption and its impact on children, families, and agency staff. This meeting also focuses on the partnership role of child welfare workers, foster parents, and adoptive parents in helping children move home, into an adoptive home or into independent living.

MEETING 8
Understanding the Impact of Fostering or Adopting
In the previous meetings, we discussed and "felt" what foster care and what adoption are all about. We learned about separation and attachment, how to build and maintain relationships with children and how to support them in working out the emotions they have for the important people in their lives. We've devoted a lot of time to the roles of both the foster parents and the adoptive parents, and the special way they will improve the lives of many children and families. But what will be the impact of all this effort on the foster families and adoptive families? How will this experience affect their marriage, children, relatives, friends, job, and income? In Meeting 8, we find out!

MEETING 9
Perspectives in Adoptive and Foster Parenting
This meeting is open to all members of prospective foster and adoptive families, especially children, grandparents, close friends—anyone who will play a major role in the foster family or adoptive family. This meeting features guest foster families and adoptive families. The guests will talk about their personal experiences in fostering and adopting. Some of the topics include: impact on marriage and family, visiting parents, discipline, searching, helping children with family reunification, and making adoptions work. Other panel members may be attorneys, social workers, and birth parents.

MEETING 10
Endings and Beginnings
The important tasks of this meeting will be to assess group members' strengths and needs as foster parents or adoptive parents. There also will be some time to say good-bye ... the ending. As the preparation/mutual selection process is coming to an end, so begins the transition into becoming a foster family or adoptive family ... the beginning.

Each class is about 3 hours long, once a week. I have heard that you have to watch a lot of videos that have some pretty gruesome stories from children about the things they came from, and that there is a lot of discussion and role-playing. I am excited to learn about all of this. I also have read that you start your homestudy process while in these classes. You get all your doctors notes, marriage and birth certificates, and other documentation out of the way, start writing bios of yourselves and your family, and are assigned a case worker. I am really excited!  We are also still working on getting the house in order. Greg finished painting, and now we need to furnish and organize. Yeah...there's still a ton to do!

Docta Docta, Gimme The News!

Lamest. Title. EVER.

Anyways...I have a doctors appointment at 4. We are doing another cycle with Femara, but he wants to talk about the next step, which is injectables. Greg is coming, so that makes me happy. I am glad he tries to make an effort to be involved in this process. He told me the decisions are up to me, but its nice to have someone to bounce my thoughts and concerns off of. I will update later.

BTW...the Provera, so far, is not affecting me NEARLY as bad as it did last cycle. From the first day or so that I started taking it last cycle I was a wreck. I am tired, but that is because I didn't get to bed late. I can tell my cravings are all over the place...I am constantly eating, but I am trying to make sure its fruits and veggies mainly!

*Update* Ok, so basically, the doctor isn't super optimistic about this round of Femara. He did agree to do progesterone test on CD24 instead of 21, to see if I ovulate a little later, or if my progesterone numbers are any higher. THEN...we will do the fun stuff. Injectables. I will probably take a max of 1 ampule a day, with a lot of monitoring to make sure I don't become octomom. He said that my insurance *should* cover it, but that the hospital he is affiliated with has a pharmacy that sells it for relatively cheap, so I could buy it out of pocket there if I don't want to push my maximum. He also wants me to do all the testing we had skipped before...fallopian tube check, more hormone check, Greg is getting a semen analysis (luckily I already scheduled this, since it took almost a month to get the appointment!), just to be sure that before we do this, everything else okee dokee.

How I Met Your Mother and Infertility and Parents

Greg and I love love love How I Met Your Mother. We have been watching from the beginning on Netflix.

There is an episode where Marshall and Lilly see a RE. Lilly checks out, so Marshall thinks the issue is him. He is embarrassed to tell his parents, but when he does...his dad says ALL the things we wish our parents would.

I started crying. I can't find the exact script, but it was absolutely great. The name of the episode is "Bad News".

Infertility gets a bad rap on TV. It's always the woman's fault, and she always gets pregnant in the next episode like there was no issue. They actually say that Marshall and Lilly are fine, no issues, and it's a while before they have kids anyways. Even if they were pregnant in the next episode, they said that they do not have fertility issues, instead of having a "miraculous" pregnancy.

Way to go HIMYM. Way to go.

Surprise!

Not really. No ovulation again. We are doing another round of Femara. I really really really really want this to work!

I called my prescription insurance people....that was fun. I just wanted to get an idea of what injectables would cost me. It's pricey, but not NEARLY as pricey as I thought. It sounds like is will cost me about $200 each cycle of injectables, but I have to get prior authorization from my insurance company, by having my doctor call and whatever...SO MUCH FUN.

CD21

It's day 21 of this cycle, and I am pretty sure its a dud. I can't get the progesterone test today, thanks to it being a saturday, so I will LH test tomorrow and go for the blood test first thing Monday.

Here is what scares me about TTC: the next step is injectables. We can try another cycle with monitoring on Femara, but I am on the max dosage, so I don't know what that would do. The issue with injectables is the cost. Without insurance, the cost of one cycle is around $2000 usually. I am super concerned that my insurance isn't going to cover it. I guess a phone call is in order. If our insurance doesn't cover it, we will have to stop fertility treatments, at least for the time being. I'm not super worried about that, since my heart isn't set on this anyways. I also don't know if ivf is something I am willing to consider, since again, the cost is so high and there is no guarantee that you will get pregnant, plus there are a lot of risks. I understand why some women will do it, but I don't know if it's for me.

Back on the journey...

So, I realized today, when looking at my WomanLogPro calendar, that day 21 of this cycle is Saturday.

I have mixed feelings. I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate. I didn't even bother calling CVS because I am pretty positive that I didn't, and that one OPK was a fluke. However, I also realize that I have to look at this like a marathon, and not a sprint. I am only in my 4th assisted cycle. I am only on my second drug. There are still options.

I think, what I need to do is to find a way to give fertility treatments the best shot I can, while not getting too frustrated with the process. Which means not obsessing over whether the LH test is darker today than yesterday, but also it means remembering to test....EVERY day. In any case, this blog is changing as I go. I guess now it is the journey to parenthood, and not necessarily strictly about TTC.

After my dad expressed concerns about adoption, I did a lot of research to see if I could find a way to discuss it with him. I did, and I also found some good books on the subject. Expect some book reviews in the next few days. Monday my dad and stepmom are coming for dinner, and we want to talk to them about the adoption process a little more. I really hope all goes well. We aren't going to adopt until after we finish infertility treatments one way or another, but we do want to at least start getting every one on board.

Blegh...

So, I wanted to get a book for my parents about adoption. I found like 10 online, and wrote down the titles. We went to the bookstore and they had...wait for it...NO books on adoption. NONE. Not a single one. So now I will have to order them online and pay shipping.

What to think?

I have been debating what to post for the past few days, if anything.

I have been LH testing, although I will admit I have not been as diligent as I was with past cycles. As evidence of this point, here is a fun story for you;

The second day of LH testing, I took the test, then left the house....without checking the results. HOURS later, I got home, went to the bathroom and saw the test sitting on the counter. "SHIT" was my first thought. Then I looked and saw that there was a little sliver of the line that was as dark as the control line....WHAT?!?!? Obviously, this test can't be trusted, because the results were a couple hours old. And then I pretty much forgot about it until Saturday, when I was cleaning the bathroom and saw my test from Saturday, which was already a couple hours old, and DIDN'T have two lines. So now I am thinking maybe I did ovulate?

After checking Pee On A Stick, I still have no clue. Apparently it depends on the brand of the stick as to whether or not half a line counts as positive. She also says that there is a time limit, but it is also brand dependant. So I guess I have a phone call to make. I still am testing every day and still no (other) surge, so I am hoping that that wasn't my surge, since it would have been weirdly early in my cycle.

I think I am a late ovulator, because the one time they saw anything, it was past day 21. Maybe I should ask the doctor about progesterone testing later in the cycle?

*UPDATE* I did call CVS, and they had no clue, but are going to have their manufacturers contact me. I also noticed, however, that the box the tests came in say to compare to Answer brand. So on POAS it says that the dark half of the line must be 50% or more of the line, which mine wasn't.

Pretty when pregnant

Pregnant ladies have to stay away from lots of things that they can usually enjoy. Fish, alcohol, caffeine, peanut butter (small amounts are ok), soft cheeses, select beauty products,and a lot more.

 I thought this nail polish that doesn't contain the toxic chemicals that normal nail polish does was pretty cool, and will order one to test out and compare to my normal brand, Essie. Until that review is up, here is the link if you want to check it out yourself!

BY THE WAY! It is best to remove your nail polish when you go to the doctor, or before you go to deliver the baby. The color of your nail beds can help the doctor determine if you or your baby are ok.

These color names cracked me up! I love naked tones, so here was my favorite!

Let the waiting begin!

Ok! Yesterday was the last day of Femara! Today I think will be the end of my period. THANK GOODNESS!

Now I need to wait till the 19th to start LH testing (I will probably start tomorrow), and hopefully I will ovulate. Greg is going to get a semen analysis scheduled ASAP, because frankly, I just don't want to take ANY chances! They can do an IUI if necessary. I am seriously considering saying do it either way, just to be sure.

I will let you know if anything happens!

The last few days

Well, the orientation was really great. We learned a lot! It eased both of our nerves on some things, and raised some questions in other places. Basically, they talked about who is a good candidate for fostering and adopting, some of the legalities, and some other basics. We got a big packet of paperwork to fill out about us and our families and our views on parenting. We have to fill it out, send it back and hope they send us an invitation to the MAPP classes.

I was pretty excited about all of this, since our families know, and have been excited about us having kids. Then, I sent my dad a text asking about the dates of his and my moms divorce, and said I needed it for our adoption packet. He called me back a little later to tell us not to rush into having kids. He said he wants us to "enjoy just being married" for a while, and that there will be plenty of time for kids later. I know he is just concerned for us, but what upset me is that I know this has nothing to do with kids in general. This has to do with adoption. When we told him we were undergoing fertility treatments to have a baby he was really excited. I have shared with him and my stepmom about how much I despise the fertility drugs and the way they make me feel on multiple occassions. And I am STILL taking them. I haven't stopped trying to have a biological child. But whether or not we do, Greg and I have always known that we would want to adopt. I have always known that some of my children would come to me through adoption. Anyways, I was hurt. And pretty mad.

It has a lot to do with people's misinformation about adoption. Children who are available for adoption are not drug addicted terrors who have suffered too much trauma to have healthy happy lives. They are CHILDREN who have had some difficulty, most come from backgrounds of neglect, not abuse, and have undergone counseling, and live in foster homes who have helped them understand what normal is. They are not to be feared, or even pitied. They should be loved. If you have ever considered fostering or adopting, contact adoptuskids.com and find out about the orientation classes. You aren't signing any papers saying you are definitely doing it. You are just going to learn more.

I am such a baby!

I don't know whether it's just my period, or if I am just having a rough week, or it was the Femara, but since last night EVERYTHING makes me cry. Not like...eyes get a little misty...think about the first time you saw the commercial with the sad doggies and the Sarah McLaughlin song....like that. All baby related, of course. I cried when I saw that Band-Aid commercial with the kids singing, and I cried when I saw a pregnancy test commercial. I cried when I was putting stuff away in what hopefully will be a baby's room.

I am having a rough time because, as far as the fertility thing goes, I don't know how much longer we will try. I want to have children more than anything, but these drugs really throw me for a loop. Maybe I am just a chicken, but my periods make me absolutely miserable. I just feel like there has to be a better, easier way.

I may not blog for a little while, just to keep my mind off of it, unless I really have something to report. In which case, let's review the facts; This is my first Femara cycle, started on the highest dosage. I seem to not ovulate with Clomid, so I am trying to remain hopeful for this cycle.Today is CD 4, so I will start testing in 6 days, on the 16th. I will definitely let you know if I get a positive LH, and how our MAPP classes go.

Greg has been a trooper. That first day of my cycle was absolutely miserable. I had the worst cramps I have had yet, to the point that I was dizzy. I actually left work early on Saturday, which was two days before CD1, because I felt so ill all the sudden, and it was just downhill after that. Greg got me tea, and  kept my heating pads hot, and did dishes and made dinner and such. I don't know what I would do without him.

Femara Night One

Took my Femara tonight! 3 teensy tiny little yellow pills!

I always take my meds at night because I have reasoned that that way I may sleep through some of the side effects. I can't imagine the Provera making me feel any worse than it does, but I figure that if it does get worse, I can sleep through it!

Femara

So, I picked up my Femara today. I will be taking (3) 2.5 milligram pills once a day for 5 days, meaning that I am on the max dosage of 7.5 milligrams. It cost me $7.50 for the bottle with my insurance. I wish I could tell you how much it is without.

Today has been a rough day. I am pretty emotional, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with the anxiety that comes with TTC. I was really let down by the last cycle, and Clomid in general.

My doctor had good intentions when he was so confident, but I think it would have been better to ensure that I understood that this is a long process, and that just because one treatment doesn't work, doesn't mean that one of the treatments won't work.

The hardest thing for me is the sitting and waiting. At certain points in the process, it's just sort of out of your hands. You take your pills, you wait for a little line. If you don't get a little line, you wait for your period, and then the process starts again. If you DO get a little line, you have a lot of sex, then wait for a DIFFERENT little line. Then IF you get that second little line, and you have fertility issues, you wait to make sure it sticks.

It's a LOT of waiting, and it is emotional, and difficult to accept that you have done all you can for that point in time.

Greg and I have always known that we would adopt at some point in time. We have decided to start our path to adoption alongside TTC. It doesn't mean we will stop fertility treatments, and it doesn't mean we will adopt right away. We just want to be ready when the time is right. Thursday is the MAPP class orientation. I am pretty excited to learn more about the process.

Provera

So, I reported today as CD1, since yesterday was just spotting. Last night was pretty awful. My stomach cramps are just the worst, and my head hurts and I am having some dizziness and I am continuously cold! I don't have a fever, so it's just menstrual symptoms. Gross.

I talked to the nurse, Joy, who was very nice. They are putting me on Femara this cycle since the doctor wasn't satisfied with my progress on Clomid. I take three pills every morning starting Tuesday for 5 days. I will LH test and then have a progesterone test on CD 21. Here is a link to some info on Femara.

I also asked if I could do something besides Provera if I have to do another cycle, because that stuff sucks. She said she would talk to the doctor about it.

Let The Cycle Begin!

Started spotting today! Tomorrow will probably count as CD1

Absense...

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I finished the Provera a day ago, and I am having a ton of headaches. Not fun. That's really all the news that's fit to print, except that most foods taste funny, and I don't know which drug is causing it.

Another dud...

Well...I just got the results of my test back. My progesterone level was a .3. That's a big fat negative on the ovulation. Basically, the nurse said that a 12 wasn't big enough to be a dominant follicle, so it reabsorbs (and then you have PCO). Back to the Provera!

I am going to start doing yoga for 30 minutes a day and walking for 30 minutes a day as well to help encourage this cycle. I am starting Provera again tonight...pray for my husband!

Another day of waiting

Progesterone test was at 7am...waiting for results.

My stomach hurts and tropical storm debby is kicking my butt.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ok, so first of all, my titles get lamer every post. Sorry.

I have decided to not be anonymous. Not that I am going to give out all my personal info, but for posterity I think I need to be able to say where I am, names, etc. I spoke to DH (Greg) about it, and he said it was fine with him.

I had to drive to Tampa at 7am in a tropical storm, on a Sunday, to have another ultrasound. Not. Fun. Luckily, Greg came with me and we had a lot of fun, but I always have fun with him. It was even more fun when I was having the ultrasound and the guy said "It looks like you've ovulated!" I can't even convey how happy I was to hear those words. Greg smiled at me from his chair. Neither of the follicles were there anymore! Then, the doctor confused the heck outta me! He said I should have my progesterone test on CD21 as planned to make sure I ovulated.

So here is my question; If I had TWO maturing follicles, at 12 and 10mm 2 days ago, and now I have ZERO follicles, if I didn't ovulate, what happened to them?

ANYWAYS...Greg and I excitedly made the treck through the storm home because we had very specific orders from the doctor to have sex asap! You have to obey your doctors orders!

Also, I didn't see a positive LH test, even though I tested EVERY day. So did I miss it? Or did I not ovulate? Gah! So confusing!

ALSO; is a follicle that was approximately 14mm (at 2mm a day) viable?

Steady as she goes!

Went back to the clinic today for another ultrasound. Before I get to the results, let me just say how fantastic this tech was. I absolutely adore her. She was helpful, made sure to tell me exactly what she saw, made sure I understood everything...I just loved her. She even gave me a hug and wished me good luck. LOVED HER. She even went over my results from last time, and I learned that my lining was only 4.5mm last time, which is at least .5mm too thin.

The results; I now have TWO follicles on my right ovary, and my lining is now 8mm (w00t). The one that was 5mm is now 12mm (!), and the other guy is 10mm. This is GOOD news! I am a late bloomer! I knew that could happen, but according to Super Ultrasound Tech, it isn't that uncommon, and she has had women who had 38 day cycles who got pregnant. The tech said that the nurse will call me today after the doctor looks at the results to see if I will have another ultrasound this weekend or Monday. 

Here is the thing; knowing that my cycle is a little longer is a good thing, because now we know to test a little later than we were originally for progesterone. It doesn't mean that I will definitely get pregnant this month, or that the follicles will continue growing. It means that we are making progress. I need to stay grounded to stay in this.

I am staying positive, and I am definitely going to keep doing yoga and meditation to keep myself relaxed and centered. Here is my favorite meditation video so far. I hope it helps you ladies!

A little prayer

To all my soul cysters, and anyone else struggling to stay positive and hopeful through their own fertillity struggles.

Staying hopeful

So today was a rough day. My doctors office that is nearest to me was closed for the week, so we had to go to his main office, which is about 2 hours away. No big deal, especially because it was also near the airport we had to take DH's sister to.

We got there, and I was about 20 minutes early. The lady at the desk informed us that our appointment was actually at his OTHER office, about 30 minutes away, so we rushed to the other office. Luckily, they were running a little ahead of schedule and could fit me in.

DH decided to stay in the room while I had the ultrasound. I needed the support. I had really good hopes for today. Unfortunately, I only had like 3 follicles, and the largest was only 5mm, which isn't large enough for the hCG shot. The nurse told me how large it has to be, but I was barely listening at that point. From what I gathered online, it needs to be around 16mm.

Needless to say, I was pretty depressed. I spoke a little with the nurse, and she said that I am on the highest dosage of Clomid allowed, and that there are other drugs I can try next round, like Femara. I said I thought I would like to try that. She said she would ask the doctor and give me a call.

I was so upset. I really had high hopes for this cycle. DH decided to drive a ways out of our way to the next big city to take me to Ikea, figuring that would cheer me up. Even the almighty Swiss Furniture Gods couldn't brighten my day by much.

We went home, and I did some research on yoga and meditation for fertility since I need an outlet, and I need to practice loving myself. When your body isn't cooperating, it can be hard to love it, and to remember to love yourself, and to not get too depressed. I found some great yoga poses and some meditation videos online that really helped me feel better. I will tell you that I am not good at meditation...a big part of me thinks it's pretty lame, and a waste of time, because my mind races and I don't like to be still for that long. But, if I lay in my bed alone, and just focus on the sounds of the video, I did find it to be relaxing and helpful. The yoga helped a TON! I released a ton of stress from my body. Of course, any physical activity that you enjoy can be helpful. Just remember to stay positive.

Taking charge

I called my doctors office because I hate taking the Clomid, and I want to know if it is doing anything at all, and I want the trigger shot, which will make me ovulate. They said yes! As long as I have the sonogram and it shows a developing follicle, I can have the trigger shot.

The trigger shot is human chorionic gonadotropin. There can be some crappy side effects, of which I think I will probably have all of...since that seems to be how it works for me. The side effects are headache, irritability, breast tenderness, water retention, weight ggain and....depression! Yay! Nothing says "let's make a baby" like fat depressed people.

There is also a higher risk of multiples, which scares me...like a lot. Twins would be a shock, but we would manage. Anything higher than that and we will have to completely overhaul our lives.


Fathers Day I talked to my dad and stepmom about my treatments, and how I am scared that it isn't working and I wished that there was more monitoring. My dad said "Well, have you talked to your doctor about it?" Oh. Hadn't thought of that....I called my doctors office, and told them that I wanted to talk about the trigger shot. They said ok. The moral of the story? Take charge of your own care! If you aren't happy speak up!

a laugh

Saw this on Pinterest and it made me giggle. I hope it brightens someone up on a bad day. HUG YOUR HUSBANDS when you aren't crazy! Remember they are fighting the war too!

Getting nervous

So the day after I had that line on the LH test I had nothing again...

That has sent me into extreme nervousness! According to the allmighty peeonastick.com, this is perfectly normal.

In fact, today I had a sliiiiiight line. I am starting to wonder if I should ask my doctor about using an hCG shot and an ultrasound. It is killing me to not know anything...KILLING ME.

Today is CD11, so if I was going to have the shot it would have to be by Tuesday probably, if there is anything close enough to developing. I don't know if having it would be bad if I would ovulate without it. I think I will go through this cycle, and if I don't ovulate, then I will ask the doctor about more screening.

I think that the LH testing, right now, is the worst part. Will you or won't you? I know that the two week wait will be worse, when it gets here, but for now, this is pretty awful.

Test 2

Ok...now I am getting kind of excited...

Today my test strip was pretty dark! It wasn't positive, but it was getting there! :-)

I think we are going to be pregnant this month!

Peeing on sticks

I have a 20 day OPK that I bought, and figured I would start testing now, since my period is over.

It's not the regular all in one monitor thingy. It's one of the pee in a cup and dip the strip ones. Gross right? But its cheaper than 20 of the other ones, so I figured I would give it a shot.

I am not a fan of the process. However...

Whether it's the Clomid or the new tests, I actually saw two lines! The test line was realllllly faint...but it wasn't a negative line!!!

In this process, you gotta celebrate the little things!

Last day of Clomid

Today is my last day of 200mg Clomid.

If I don't ovulate this time, I don't know that I can handle doing the Provera again. The side effects; pain, bloating, sleepiness, MOODINESS, etc. are too much to bare if I am not making any progress.

I want to talk to the doctor about taking something different. There are other drugs out there, or maybe there are some other options.

I just know that I, and my marriage, can't take a whole lot more of that.

I think I should have another ultrasound anyways, to see if anything at all is happening in there.

Yay!

   It seems that I am being granted a reprieve from the trauma that is my period! Yay! Today is the last day, I can tell. I think it's karma since I had that 14 day period 2 cycles ago.

   I almost forgot my Clomid yesterday. I had been keeping it in my purse, but forgot to put it back when I took my pills the other morning. So I was on my way to work, when suddenly the alarm on my phone goes off telling me that it's time to take it. I reach in my purse and think...SHIT. Luckily, I work about 5 minutes from home, so I made a U-turn, and rushed home to take them! I was only 3 minutes late for work! Not too shabby.

DH and I have been talking about birth options, knowing the gender, names, etc.

   I would prefer a home-birth over anything else, but DH would prefer a hospital. It's funny, because our reasoning is the same; safety and people who are concerned about our wishes. I am afraid of infection, surgery I don't need, medications I don't need, induction, unneccesary time in the hospital, medications the baby doesn't need, doctors who aren't paying attention to my wishes, etc. He is afraid of infection, unplanned emergencies, etc. and being too far from a hospital if there is an emergency, as well as people who are too much about doing it naturally to recognize distress from me or the baby. The compromise is that home-birth is out, but we will check out a birthing center, and the hospital. DH is on board with the birthing center 100% IF (because there's always an if) when we go he feels that it is clean, properly prepared for an emergency, that the staff is on board with going to the hospital if that is what I or the baby need, and close enough to the local hospital. The point is, I believe there are a lot of great options out there, no matter your concerns. It is important to research them so that you know what you are getting into. For instance, my SIL wanted to have a C-section. She didn't want to have vaginal tearing, she didn't want pitocin, and she wanted to make sure the baby didn't have the stress of a long labor. Those were the issues she was concerned with, so she made the best decision for her; a scheduled C-section. My choice is different, because I have different concerns. A lot of health practicioners, be they midwives, OB's or just MD's seem to forget that patients are also individuals. Be sure that you don't end up in a bad situation by doing your research, and making sure your voice is heard.

A Brighter Day

Today is the first day I woke up without feeling like I was in a fog. Also, my period is starting to lighten up a bit...thank goodness!

I am on day two of 200mg of Clomid. I definitely had the lightheadedness yesterday, but today, so far so good.

I still feel like this is the cycle. This is the one that I will get pregnant. I hope I am right. After the last few days, I am not sure I can go through another round of Provera. Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about Prometrium finally, or other alternatives.

Pharmacies

So the directions on my Clomid package say "Take 4 pills a day". That's it. I went to the pharmacy today and asked the pharmacist, who looked like your stereotypical surfer dude, whether I should take them all at once or stagger them out, or what. He said that it was fine to take them all at once. I then explained that I had previously split them into two doses a day. He said that was fine too...

I can't even begin to tell you how much that pissed me off. For the love of god, I came in to get some direction about taking a serious business drug. Not only could I have side effects if I take too much, but if I take it improperly it could also not work, meaning that my doctor would up my dosage thinking that was the issue, and then I could have really serious complications. Call a more experienced pharmacist, look it up, GOOGLE IT for gods sake.

I went to another CVS, and told the pharmacist there my issue, and he LOOKED IT UP. AMAZING! For the record, I am to take it all at once in the morning. Now how hard was that.

On another note, I am a little pissed because the pharmacist who ended up being helpful is sort of a friend of my husbands. When he saw my husband, he congratulated him. This really really upset me. I am a super private person in my day to day life. No one at work knows I am trying to get pregnant, none of my friends know, not even my mother knows. I don't want pity, lectures, etc. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, or think I should quit, or if it doesn't work think I should try harder or pity me. He probably won't, but I really feel like now everyone my husband and I know that work at that pharmacy all know that I can't get pregnant naturally. It is really humiliating, and I know it shouldn't be. I feel like there shouldn't be shame, but I feel it.
My husband doesn't understand. He just said that the guy was trying to be nice. I said what if you were taking medicine because you had bad sperm. Would you want everyone to know, or would you feel demasculinized? Because that is how I feel. I feel like everyone knows there is something wrong with me.

*update: I spoke to the nurse at my doctors office and she confirmed that I should take them all at once. I am still upset about what happened yesterday, but not quite so much. I just feel embarrassed. I know he meant well, but I really wish he hadn't said anything.

Here we go again!

So about 2 hours after I posted I found some slight spotting in my underwear! THAT was fast...I am wondering if it will develop into a full blown period by tomorrow? Wouldn't that be great??

I also learned that the crazy bad acne I have developed over the last couple weeks is due to the Provera. I knew that it was hormone related, but I didn't know if it was the Clomid or the Provera.

I ALSO learned that the reason I have been gassy with diarrhea every day for the last 6 days or so is because of the Metformin. Have fun with that ladies!

I am calling the doctor tomorrow to see if they think that I should start Clomid or not. I will let you know.

Waiting...

But not how you think.

I am at my house on my day off with a million things to do waiting for the cable guy to finish. Ugh! It isn't his fault really. Our brand  spankin' new house is wired funny. Maybe I will get stuff done tomorrow. Maybe.

Priming for round two!

I took my last Provera last night! Yay!

So far, the moodiness seems to be less intense. I can tell that I am still all over the place but it isn't as extreme. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that we are really happy in our new house, and that I know what to expect now. Also, I think the worst symptoms were actually after I had finished the Provera, like 3 days before I had my period. I was on a rampage! Hopefully I continue to maintain my balance!

I am really excited and have a good feeling about this cycle. I have been trying to eat better, and succeeding. I haven't been exercising since I got really sick, so I need to start doing that again for sure. I am very hopeful that this will be the cycle. I just have a feeling. I really hope I am right.

No news is good news

So far so good on the new medicines. I seem less moody this time around, but we are only a couple days in. I think the glucophage is messing with my appetite. I am almost never hungry, and when I eat I feel sick almost immediately afterwards. Maybe I just still have a little tummy bug.

Sorry my posts are so sporadic lately! We moved and I STILL haven't gotten the internet hooked up so I have to do this on my phone or if I can steal internet from a neighbor for a second. It will be back up this week.

Provera Round Two

So far the side effects this time around seem to be a little less intense. I am definitely moody, and really sleepy. No headaches so far.

I keep forgetting to take the glucophage (metformin) with my meal, so I have to take it like 20 minutes later. I can't tell if I am having any side effects from that, although I am pretty gassy and really thirsty.

I am typing from my phone because we haven't had the time to get internet in our new house, so I am keeping it short and sweet!

Adios cycle one!

So Thursday was CD21, and I diligently had my blood work done. I was waiting for a call from my doctor, but it didn't come the same day, so I was definitely hoping it would today, before the long weekend.

Instead, I got a call from my pharmacy telling me that my prescriptions were ready for pickup. I asked her what they were, and she said clomid, provera, and metformin. Now, I know it's a long weekend, and maybe that's all I should attribute it to, but I am more than a little peeved that the nurse wouldn't call and discuss my results really quickly with me, and maybe let me know that they wanted to try me on metformin. I have discussed the drug metformin before, and I talked about it with the doctor, but he seemed to think it wasn't necessary, so I would love to know why he thought it was now. Also, I didn't get a chance to ask about my weirdo LH tests.

So, I called the office and left a message. Hopefully, they will call back in the next couple hours so I have some answers.

Also, I think I was wrong when I said that both appointments cost me $175. They cost me $175 each I think. I will check and get back to you *mental note to change the info in previous blog posts when I verify this*.

Right now, DH and I are getting a little concerned about money, because we are signing on our house, which was a planned expense, and my 1st car payment on my new car, which was an UNPLANNED expense, is coming up. We knew we were going to get another car because his is on its way out. However, we planned on having about 6 months of no car payments and cheaper insurance to save for a downpayment. Instead, my car was in accident and is no more. We got some money for it, but not enough to compensate for having to get another car at the slowest part of the year for me. And his car is still old enough to vote. Anyways, the point is money is tight, and I know babies are expensive, but I didn't know MAKING a baby was going to be expensive.

We are moving in to our new house this week. And I will possibly be on Provera. Pray for my husband.

And now for a short break...

Obviously I have had a rough couple of days. I still haven't ovulated according to the OPK's.

I have decided to give myself a break from blogging and TTC stuff for a couple of days. I will still be actively trying to get pregnant, but I will be thinking about it less. I am starting to obsess and worry too much, and that isn't helpful. I need a breather.

I will update either when I get a positive OPT or have to take the progesterone test and get the results from that.

Feeling sorry for myself...

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FREAKING PREGNANT?!?!?!

and further more...

Are the OPK's mocking me?!?! Does it seem like the line in the first window is LIGHTER than the surrounding area? I swear it got lighter...I have anti-LH.

Obviously testing has got me a little cray cray...

I think the worst part of all of this is waiting. I am the kind of person who sees a problem or a task and tackles it head on. I like to find and act out the steps, and solve the problem. With TTC(ing?), You get to a step, have to wait, get to the next step, have to wait, etc... I don't mind roadblocks. I am good at changing course, or finding a new solution. I don't like that I can't plan out my steps. I may need to take up meditaion or yoga to help me deal with my lack of patience.

No ovulation yet, and Pre-Seed

So I did an OPK at 6:10pm, because for the first time in two weeks I didn't have to pee nine billion times. It was negative...boo. I am starting to get nervous about that...I know I shouldn't be. I technically shouldn't ovulate for 3 more days if I have a "perfect" (28 day) cycle.

SO...any girls ttc know about Pre-Seed, or will soon. Since you have to have sex so frequently, lube can really ease the process. Here is my personal, and incredibly embarrassing to share, experience;

Yesterday was day three of "Sex Every Other Day" week. So...ya know. Anyways, we were getting handsy and things are getting hot and heavy, and I remembered that I need to use the Pre-Seed. Of course I have it conveniently placed on my nightstand....sans instructions. If you haven't used this product yet, you get a tube of gel, and plungers that have measurements on the side. It seems I threw out the instructions with the box like an idiot.

So...butt naked, I get out of bed and tell my husband that I now need to use google....butt naked. This isn't the worst part.

The instructions I found online say to fill the plunger as needed, insert, plunge, and then....WAIT TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTES. It's so the lube reaches your cervix and stuff. Yeah...remember how I left my husband in bed? He was NOT excited to wait ten to fifteen minutes while things get "situated".

Anyways...like a half an episode of Psych later, things were back in action, but just so you know...you have to use the Pre-Seed 10-15 minutes in advance.

Test Time!

So the period is officially over, as of Friday. Today is CD 12, and so yesterday I started LH testing. I actually started 3 days ago, just to be safe.

According to PeeOnAStick.com (which is a fantastic site for info on OPK and HPT's), LH is synthesized early in the morning, so I can't use first morning urine.

So, I ate a good breakfast, drank some water, andwaited to test. According to the site, the best time to test is between 2 and 4 pm. I am nervous about missing the LH surge, so I will probably test twice a day, around 2pm and again, if I don't get a positive, in the evening before bed.

This is crunch time! I am nervous that I won't ovulate. It's stupid, because I know that Clomid doesn't always work the first time, and even if it DOES, I know that I still may not get pregnant the first time.

So I took the test at like 11:30, because I have no patience. It was negative. Took it again at 2:40 PM, and it's still negative. So yesterday wasn't the day. My doctor said to have sex every other day, so we did have sex yesterday, just in case. I will post my LH results for today later.

*Some info: Keep in mind that I am giving my info exclusively. You may not have the same experiences.*

-Clomid costs $11.99 a pill without my insurance, I paid $4.00 for the bottle (10 pills)
-With insurance, my 2 doctors visits cost $175.00, without it, the bill was $674.00 (includes two pelvic exams, endometrial scrape, etc.)
-With insurance, my bloodwork was $265.45, without it, the bill was $6,066.00

Duh....

So, I did something kind of stupid just now; I wanted to do an LH test today. My period ended yesterday, but I figured it couldnt hurt. I didn't do with FMU, because I have read that it will give you an inaccurate reading, so I waited allll day till like 5 mibutes ago to pee again, and then when I got in the bathroom (LH test in hand), I peed without peeing ON it.

Because I am that kind of special.

Clomiphene Day One

Ok, so today was a pretty good day. 

DH and I went shopping for our new house that we will be moving into in like 2 weeks, and didn't fight. Then we cleaned and I took a nap (cramps are really bad) and then some people came over, so it was a really good day. 

So far, no severe side effects to the Clomiphene.

Clomiphene begins tomorrow

Hubby and I made up. He understands that I am not normally a crazy person, and also acknowledged that he has dropped the ball a little lately. All is well :-D

So the bottle of Clomid says take twice a day, at the same times each day.

I am trying to figure out the best times to do it. I really don't want to get up early, and I don't want to have to stay up too late either. So maybe I will just keep it in my purse so I always have it with me.

Here is some Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid) info:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000752/

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/clomiphene-citrate-for-infertility

I start on Sunday (CD3), and take it for 5 days. CD11 I start LH testing, and when I am ovulating, hubby and I are supposed to have intercourse (the fun part) at least every other day, and hopefully we will be preggo in the next couple weeks.

I bought Preseed, just in case, because it's hard to have sex on demand! Especially with our wacky schedules.
I am excited and scared all at the same time. I can't believe how close we are to being pregnant! I know I may have to go through the cycle more than once, but I feel like it's finally within reach. I can't tell you how scary and out of reach it has felt until this point (although any of you who are going through this know).

Also, I know that once I am pregnant, I am going to be worried about miscarrying. And I am going to worry about worrying too much and that causing miscarriages. Maybe some yoga or meditation classes are a good idea. I don't know how I will get through 3 months of worry in that first trimester without some help!

DH and I are starting a walking plan, just to encourage a healthy pregnancy. Nothing huge, just an hour a night. Our pooches will love the extra sniffing time!

Spotting and the BIGGEST fight

So...Provera.

I have continuously posted about how awful and moody Provera has made me. And the moodiness didn't really go away once I stopped taking it. I still was/am cranky and snapping at my DH a LOT.

Yesterday, however, things came to a head.

DH forgot to do something. It wasn't a huge thing. It was a slightly important thing. I basically questioned our entire marriage based on that one thing. To be fair to myself, I think it's more of a build-up of forgotten things lately, but he is stressed, and I am not making it easier with my Jekyll and Hyde impersonations. The point is, I basically told him I didn't know if we should be married, and that I think he doesn't care about me. Then I just screamed into the phone, hung it up and threw it on the floor.

God I am a terrible person.

In all honesty, I am married to the sweetest guy. I love him so much and I know he loves me. I am sooooo glad I married him, like, every day.

In better news I had some really light spotting this morning, so I called the doctors office to see what to do next. I don't know if it's enough to count as CD1, but maybe later today it will be more.

PS: When I do talk to my doctor, I will ask him what to do if you don't get your period after day ten of Provera, just because I never saw an answer online.

UPDATE: I have gone from minor spotting to full on period. I start Clomid on Sunday. More later.

Still nothing...

Well it is day seven after having finished the Provera. No period, but my boobs hurt, and I am still kind of cranky. What gives? After doing a little internet reading (never a good idea), I am wondering if I don't get a period in the next three days, I should request to try prometrium instead? Why wouldn't you get a period after taking it? I couldn't find any explanation as to why, except that I might be pregnant. I highly doubt that's the reason it isn't working. Do I just try it again? What happens? I sincerely hope I get my period in the next 3 days, or I am going to freak out!

Waiting game...

Well, it's been four days since my last Provera. I always feel like I am going to have my period the next day, and I am running back and forth to the bathroom to make sure. I also can tell I am still cranky, and my boobs are achy, and obviously, I am still whiny. I have never before been so excited to get my period!

I also got bills from the doctors office and the labwork. My insurance covered a LOT of it, but I still owe a bunch. For the labwork, before insurance, cost was like $6,000 dollars. I only have to pay $256. I don't remember the original costs of the doctor, but I have to pay about $175. That includes two vaginal ultrasounds, visits, full pelvic exam, etc. Not too shabby. Also, I forgot to say that the Provera (generic) was about $4.00. I tried to find out costs before I started this process, and couldn't find info anywhere. I can't guarantee that your costs will be the same, but at least it may help someone!

It's Over!

Last night was the last night I had to take the Provera. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be off it!

I don't know if everyone has the same thing, but my moods were all over the place. I would be joking with my husband and then all the sudden he would say something that would make me so angry! And I knew it wasn't what he said but I was still pissed. I also have cried a lot when I had a couple stressful situations (buying a car froma jerk car dealer), which isn't like me. Usually I am pretty good at standing up for myself. I also noticed in the past 3 or so days that I am starting to break out on my chin and around my nose, which I think is from the Provera.

Anyways, it's over. Now I just get to wait for Aunt Flo.

Whoops!

Ok..so after doing some reading, taking Provera at a different time is a bad idea! So I have still been taking it at 10:30ish. The sleepiness has been manageable, but today I had a hard time with dizziness. I would just get random, little, dizzy spells. It would feel like I got up too fast or something.

I am a little impatient. I really REALLY can't wait for my period to come. <---Never thought I would say that! I finish the pills on the 25th. Can't wait!

Side Effects

So far the most pronounced side effect I have had with the progesterone pill is drowsiness. I just feel groggy and half asleep all the time. It wouldn't be as much of an issue if I didn't have to be up at 5:30am, and had a day off, but I am working every day this week to cover for someone else.

Also, quitting caffeine is just not going to happen while I am on this medication. I drink about 2 cups of coffee a day, and I can probably cut back a little, but I have to be able to function at work.

I definitely had a headache yesterday, and had a little dizziness and some moodiness. Today seems better though, so hopefully my body gets used to the drugs and I can muddle through for the next 8 days! I was taking the pills at 10:30pm, because that's when my husband usually takes his and I figured I would remember to take mine when he was taking his, but I think taking them earlier is a good idea, so I am going to take them at 8pm.

This...sucks.

Oh my gosh....I know I complain a lot lately, but holy cow! The Provera has sent me for a loop! I have a headache and cramps that feel like pms basically. I am exhausted like I got no sleep, even though I was out for a solid 7 hours.

This is not going to be a fun few days! Especially considering I decided last night post-blogging that I need to kick the caffeine habit starting today. Yeah...medicine causing headaches PLUS caffeine headaches! Aren't I going to be a barrel of laughs! Pray for my poor husband!

I am going to stop at CVS on my way to work to get some acetaminophen,  since it's the only pain reliever that I have read doesn't cause miscarriage. I know I am not pregnant yet, but I want the time leading up to my pregnancy to be as healthy as possible.

I hope these side effects are just temporary. Maybe halfway through the day I will feel great.

I don't want to scare anyone away from trying to get pregnant because of the Provera side effects. Keep in mind that women who get a regular period feel like this for a week every month. Us PCOS sufferers can suck it up for a baby.

Drug Number One...

Spoke to the doctors office, I didn't ovulate. For once, this is good news, since it means I can start Provera immediately, so that I can have a period, and then take Clomiphene to make me ovulate. I am actually taking the generic form, so the drug name itself is Medroxyprogesterone. Here is the link to the National Library of Medicine information on this drug.

Basically, it can cause mood swings, sore boobs, and essentially PMS. There can be other severe side effects, but they seem to be rare, and my doctor and I have discussed this being the best plan for me.

I have to take two 10mg pills once a day for 10 days, or until I start a period (it can sometimes happen in the first could days on the drug, rather than after you have finished taking the medication). When I start a full-fledged period, then I call the office on day 1, and begin taking Clomiphene.

After the horror movie that was my last period, I went a little nutso at CVS.

I bought two different kinds of OPK's, because I want to test twice a day on CD10-17 since I have read that sometimes morning readings are no good. I also bought 2 bottles of prenatal since I have been taking them for about 3 months now and they were buy one get one free...gotta love CVS!

I am super dooper excited! I am going to take my pills at night (the theory being I will sleep through any immediate crappy side effects like headaches or cramping), around 10:30-10:35 every night, just to be extra consistent. Tonight I took my first dose...wish me luck!

And now a word from our Husband...

My wife wants me to give some of my thoughts on our situation. I honestly find that very hard to do, even anonymously. Here goes nothing.

Part of me is scared that we are going to be putting all this time, effort and money into this attempt and it doesn't work. I suppose that is part of life though. If we already knew the outcome of life there would be no joy or excitement in it. The only other option is to not try, which doesn't seem like much of an option at all.

I have read all of her previous posts and was very upset to read the part where she was afraid that I might not want to be with her, just because we might have problems conceiving. The truth is that I wouldn't want to have children with anyone else. If my wife was unable to have kids, then I would be unable to have kids. Before I met her I thought that I was never going to have children. I wanted to adopt. I looked at it this way; there are so many children in this world that need a loving family and a safe home that it seemed selfish to me to have kids of your own. That is, until I met my wife (and don't worry, we are DEFINITELY going to adopt still!). Now I want nothing more than to have a child who has all of her wonderful characteristics and I guess some of my crappy ones. 

The Aftermath

Ok,

So as far as blood work, all good news!

He was concerned about a cyst he had seen on my right ovary, so we did another ultrasound, but all was well.

So now I have a progesterone test to do in the morning, to make sure that I didn't ovulate this past cycle, and if not, then he will give me a pill (probably prometrium from my reading) to make me have a period, and then I will take Provera to get a period, then Clomid so that I ovulate, and hopefully there will be excellent news in the next few weeks!

Sitting and waiting.

I'm here in the doctors office, waiting for him to discuss my test results. While I am waiting, I figured I would write about the last couple weeks.

For one thing, we decided to include some of our family members in our decision to try to conceive.

We told my husbands mom and sister, and they were really happy. As his sister said; "More babies is always good!"

I was really nervous about telling my father, because I know he worries. We told him and my stepmom at Easter dinner. We were ecstatic when they told us how excited they were for us. I really feel like this is going to happen, and I am sitting in a doctors office for the first time without feeling anxious! I feel calm and in control, but very excited!

Today I am really hoping the blood tests were all fine, and that we will start treatment. More on that after the appointment!

The tests and the wait...

So I got my blood tests done earlier this week. 28 viles of blood (no lie! they can take a MAX of 29 a visit!) and 2.5 hours in the clinic later, I am now ready to schedule an appointment with my Dr. again and get the ball rolling for real.

Having ovulated last month, I was really wondering if I would again, but it seems I don't have that kind of luck. I bought 2 OPK's and have tested according to the guidelines and suggestions via peeonastick.com. All I get is one line...everytime. Not even a hint of a second line. It's ok though, because we will be trying for real in just a few weeks! It is hard keeping my hopes from being too high.

My period lasted THIRTEEN days, and I have to say I am not looking forward to doing that on a regular basis, even though they will be shorter then hopefully. Also, it will only be a couple of times with any luck!

Now I have serious baby fever! I am preshopping, looking at nursery room designs, reading Parents magazine, torturing myself with Pinterest, planning crafts, etc. etc....

So this is what I am excited about?

I mentioned before that I thought I started my period....lets just say that's been confirmed...with cramps, cravings, sleepiness, and irritability. It's so weird that most girls dread their period. That is until, for whatever reason, they don't get it!

So the appointment was today. I got there early, of course, and the doctor was late, but it was ok. The nurse was fantastic! She was really personable and answered a lot of questions for me and made me really comfortable.

When the doctor got there, he sat with us and went over the information we had given him, and then told us we had a choice:

1. We can do a regular pelvic, transvaginal ultrasound, and a pap (because I am waaaaaaaay overdue), then he will have me get some basic bloodwork done and then he will give a drug to make me have a real period and then I will go on Clomid as long as all is well.

2. I can do the full battery of tests, where I do all the above, but before starting Clomid we weed out any other possibilities. That means a semen analysis for DH, a look at my fellopian tubes for blockages, etc., plus full genetic testing, and adds a couple of months to the time.

He said its up to us, and that since I am young, have a previous diagnosis (that he would confirm) and am in good health. So now we have that decision to make.

Let me tell you about the OTHER part of the visit....allllll those tests in option one! Ugh.

As I mentioned before, I started my period a few days ago. It has been really light, not even spotting really...just some funny colored CM.

Right before the pelvic exam he asks if I need to use the restroom, and I do. I go in and sure enough, I have actually started bleeding! I told the nurse and she said it's fine, since it isn't really a lot (yes, she checked my underwear!). I get on the table- heart sounds good, lungs sound good, breast exam is fine...time for the fun part. The actual pap smear isn't bad, but since I have PCOS he wants to check for endometrial cancer and that test will cause "some minor cramping" and do I want to do that, just to be safe? Sure, why not? It might save me from doing it later.

MINOR CRAMPING MY ASS! I was almost positive an alien was going to burst from my pelvis.

But it's over, and time for the ultrasound. Pretty typical really. Really uncomfortable, but he showed me my ovaries and all the cysts on the outside. He said it looks like typical Polycystic Ovaries, which is good, because we basically know how to treat that. He ALSO said that it looks like I did in fact ovulate during this cycle.

WHAT THE HECK???

So technically, if I had had sex on the right day, we wouldn't even BE here.

Ok...calm down and try to take it as good news. Hey! It looks like my parts all work, they just need to be kicked into gear!

After that, the exam was all over, and my paper gown, my legs, the paper sheet (which is a wee wee pad like you use for a dog) look like the end results of Shark Week, I get to go clean up.

So now, I get to have some basic blood tests (diabetes, a genetic test for those of jewish heritage, and std [j/i/c!] basically), and then make an appointment in about 3 weeks to see where we want to go from there.

DH and I talked about it a little, and I think we are going to skip the major testing. Why worry if there is no need? If I get those tests done before we know there is a problem, I will freak out until I get the results and I don't think I can take that.

So it looks like I will be on Clomid pretty soon! I am excited and scared! Gah!

The surprise...

So...when I did my midday CM check...I was surprised to find that it was thick, opaque and sliiiiiiiiiightly brown.

WTF????

Fast forward to me googling 'beige tinted cervical mucus' and praying that I don't get creepy pictures, and here are the things that the almighty google said it could be:

1. Implantation (in my wildest dreams)
2. Ovulation (see #1)
3. I started a period (This would still be good news)
4. Ruptured cysts. (I REALLY don't want it to be this)

So here is what I did...said a little prayer, had sex, and went to the drug store and bought ovulation predictor kits, pads, and a pregnancy test. So I have 3 of my bases covered. Then when I got home I realized that (duh) the doctor will probably test me for all of the above. So now it's just the waiting game.

So now I know nothing, except now I am a little freaked.

God I can't wait till Monday!

The Appointment.

I did it. I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I spoke with my GP about it, and he seemed pretty enthused and like he thought it would go well. He said to definitely ask about Metformin, which I was on as a teen but it made me sick. Apparently a lot of PCOS girls who just take Metformin, without clomid or anything else, get pregnant within the first couple months. Now to not get my hopes up too high! And I am freaking out about all the things that could go wrong...it could be crazy expensive, I could miscarry, I could have no success at all, I could hate the RE and have to drive 3 hours to see the next closest one, etc. etc.

I have kept my weight around 255 for the last few months. I had lost about 15 lbs doing Zumba 3 times a day, but we moved with my mom while waiting for our house to be finished and there just is no room. We close on our house in May, so I am definitely looking forward to that!

I think the time has come to tell *some* of our family that we are trying to get pregnant. I won't want to tell anyone when we are pregnant for the first trimester, since there is a sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightly elevated risk of miscarriage. But we will want to share with some people, and have them understand our concerns. I really want to tell my dad and stepmom, and DH wants to tell his mom and sister, and I think that's a good idea. I am excited and nervous all at once.