Bad Information

I think every woman with PCOS knows the feeling of trying to find information on the syndrome. There is not enough good information out there, and no one source answers all of our questions. A friend of mine who was recently diagnosed shared some misinformation she had originally thought to be fact from the following website (her tip off was the person who wrote the sites inability to spell "physical").
http://www.child-wish.com/

Please, PLEASE be careful about the information that you find, or that you put out there. Be sure you are beiung accurate and truthful, because you can unintentionally make someone elses journey so much worse. Read more than one source, talk to more than one doctor, and take everything with a grain of salt.

Please feel free to post other misinformation you have heard or come across, so we can compile a list!

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day, and I am so glad to have 2 moms! My parents split when I was a kid, and I really know it was for the best. My dad remarried a great lady and now I have two wonderful moms, and I was lucky enough to have known 3 grandmothers in my life; my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandmother, and my stepgrandmother. I am so lucky to have been surrounded by so many wonderful, amazing, powerful females.

There is sadness for me here too, since I am no closer to being a mother myself. It is hard to think about sometimes. Of course, now that I am married and all, my husband and I are constantly asked when we are going to have kids, and we just tell everyone we are waiting till things settle down.

Hubbys eagerness to have kids is definitely getting harder to hide now that his brothers girlfriend is pregnant, and in her third trimester. That concerns me for a lot of reasons. For one, people may realize that we are having difficulty getting pregnant, and that will feel like failure to me. I don't want sympathetic looks, or pity, or any of that. I don't want people to know, at least right now, that we are havng a problem getting pregnant. I just can't handle that. Another concern is that they will think that I don't want children and he does, and that I am holding him back. I don't want people to think that we aren't happy or are having marital issues, when nothing could be further than the truth!

That leads to my biggest concern. What if he starts to get frustrated and really does start to resent that I can not get pregnant naturally? What if this does cause a rift in our marriage? It probably is a non-issue, and probably not something I actually have to worry about, but all the same...

Today it is especially hard to be infertile, because I think about all the wonderful things about being a mom, and all the things that I will probably not like when I am a mom (late nights, early mornings, cleaning up messes) and thinks about how great even those things sound right now.

I saw this on postsecret this morning:

That pretty much sums it up.

Moving Forward

I have been pretty depressed since my grandmother passed away.
I have gained weight, and never did get those tests done that the doctor wanted me to do.

So now, I am starting from square one, or even further back.

I heard something really good today; Before taking an action, don't think about the immediate consequence, think it all the way through. If I scarf down french fries, sure it tastes good. But I will also not lose the weight and be pissed at myself for like a day. Going for a walk feels like work, but if I do it I will feel better each time. Let's hope this works.

(False) Hope.

So I have been depressed, gained weight, been sick, had a toothache, can't sleep and I have been working about 50 hours a week. Obviously it's been a little rough.

On top of all that....I GOT MY PERIOD! To most girls, that would be the straw that broke the camels back. For me, it was the ONE good thing that has happened in the last two months. I know that the probability that it isn't anovulatory is slim, and I know that the chances that I would ovulate again this month are slimmer. But it's like this teeny-tiny glimmer of hope.

It isn't even a regular period. Light is a strong word. I had some spotting yesterday, followed by some light brown discharge. Today, it's even lighter brown discharge, and that's it. I probably won't have anything tomorrow at all.

Still, in the PCOS game, you gotta celebrate the little things.

Syndrome X

It sounds like a spooky formula for world destruction doesn't it? Basically, it's insulin resistance, combined with other scary symptoms, all of which are common in people with PCOS. I heard about it years ago, but never really did anything about it.

I have been fatigued, weak, bloated, depressed (although that has something to do with some other things going on lately), and generally feeling like poop. I think a big portion of it has to do with my diet sucking lately. I have been drinking cola and energy drinks, and eating a lot of crappy food. I guess I am getting older, because 5 years ago, that wouldn't have effected me at all. Now, I feel completely depleted. That is the best word to use to describe how I feel; depleted.

These recent events have made me more concerned than ever, so I have decided to take the bull by the horns, and bought a book, Syndrome X. So far, basically it sounds like I need to do a Glycemic index diet, with items with GI numbers lower than 55, and supplement with things like zinc and chromium. Pretty simple.

Tonight is grocery night, so we will start there! 

 

The Evilest Bike Ride

DH and I bought used bikes from friends of ours about a month ago, that have sat in front of our house for that long. I was presented with the opportunity to ride to work this morning, so I decided it would be a good idea, especially because I have not done any exercise this week.

I get outside and realize BOTH of my bike tires are flat. I try to inflate, and find there is a hole in them, so I use his bike instead, after having to change only one tube.

I start riding, and realize just how terribly out of shape I am. I barely got down the block before I was horrendously out of breath! I rode through it though, despite my burning quadriceps. I finally get a second wind, then realize I am lost. I find my way (thanks google maps) and then , realize that it is getting difficult to ride again. When I look down, the bike tire that I just changed the tube on is FLAT! I pull into a park right up the street (thank goodness) and call a friend to come get me.

Despite the tragic end, my bike ride burned about 200 calories, and I got in a good 20 minutes of exercise, so I am not too upset. DH went by the park and picked my bike up when he got out, and he is replacing my faulty tube. I think that this may have squashed my excitement of bike riding however. Back to Zumba full time!

What's the deal?

So, DH and I have been working waaaaay too much, and it's affecting us. Not our relationship, but the things we are trying to accomplish. We have more money, so bills are actually ahead for once, which is nice, but when you are trying to make a baby, it's kind of hard when you only see eachother for like 20 minutes a day besides when you are sleeping, and that 20 minutes is the car ride home. It also makes it difficult to get lab work done if you don't have a day off till next month. It isn't always like this, it's the culmination of trying to get ourselves into a position to buy our own place, me changing my career path and going back to school, and DH getting a promotion. Things should start to calm down in February (dear God I hope so).

I have been exercising like a mad woman trying to lose weight. I weigh around 250 now, which is not my highest, but its still not good. I want to lose 110lbs total, but I want to lose 10lbs every 1.5 months or so. However, our current living situation, plus the stress from work is making me eat! I crave carbs like I am running a 10k every 5 minutes.

I am trying all sorts of things to cut back on the eating at work, including prepacking snacks (which I ignore and then walk down the block to get crappy food there), bringing a ton of water (I drink most of it, and then like 4 sodas), and not taking lunches (so that I am so hungry by the time I am home that I literally eat everything in sight). So far, no such luck.

I also have read a bunch of info on BPA in our bodies, and how many studies have shown that BPA is linked to hormone disorders, so I am slowly cutting that out, just to be safe. It is pretty hard though, since its in everything. I am buying a glass water bottle on my break, and a porcelain coffee cup since those are my biggest sources of BPA right now, and I have also gotten rid of all canned foods in my house, since cans apparently are lined with bpa ridden plastic on the inside. It sounds extreme, but I figure I need to give myself the best chance I can at treating my PCOS.

I also heard about a disorder called Compound (Heterozygous or Homozygous) MTHFR which causes a lot of issues with implantation. The more I read about it, the more I think its the reason my mother and my grandmother both had a lot of miscarriages. I don't think my doctor asked for me to be tested for it, so I am going to call her Monday to see if she can do that.

Too eager, and who to tell?

We went to Wal-Mart for something, and I ended up getting a bunch of other stuff. It always works that way. One of the things I bought was a BBT thermometer. I don't have a period yet, so I don't know if it will be doing anything, but DH said he would start tracking, and anything that gets him involved I am all for.

We were also in the clearance section and they had BPA free bottles for like 4 bucks. I bought 2 packs for DH's bro's girlfriend, and I told DH that I kind of wanted to keep one pack for when we had a baby because they are actually really nice. I like one bloggers idea of a baby-cabinet, that is empty until she can fill it with all the the things she needs when she is pregnant, and then a mommy.
My other dilemma right now is who do we tell that we are trying, if anyone? DH says it's totally up to me, because he isn't really close to his dad, and he doesn't think his mom NEEDS to know. That's good, because frankly, if everyone knows, then I have to answer a lot of questions, and feel a lot of pressure and what if it doesn't turn out and I can't have kids? Then everyone gets to know I failed. And I love my parents, and my grandmother, but I don't know if I want them to know that this is an issue right now. My dad is like my best friend. I am a total daddy's girl. I want to tell him, but I also don't want him to worry. He will start to worry about my physical and emotional well-being, and our relationship and especially our financial situation. More than anything, I don't need to feel like a failure to anyone else if this doesn't work out. I could tell my friends, but even then there will be questions, and not-so-helpful advice. I know they'll mean well, but what if I just can't take it anymore? On the other hand, can DH and I do this with no support except from each other? Do we want to find out?

The Fertile Vs. The Infertile

I am having a little bit of a hard time right now, because my DH's brothers girlfriend is pregnant, and she really isn't doing the things she should. She has only seen the doctor once, is eating all sorts of things that are NOT good for you, and drinking a ton of caffeine. I honestly don't even think she WANTS the baby. She is young, and she has a lot of family issues. His brother says he does, but he is just 20, and is ridiculously immature. We actually take care of his dog because he abandoned her at his dads. Here's a case in point; he is planning a trip to Disney in March, and the baby is going to be born in August. I'm not talking a DAY at Disney. I am talking about like a weekend, including hotels and everything. Thats like at least 1000 a person! and they are planning on paying for my mother in law too! They make some money, but not that much. He is also going to buy a brand new Xbox 360, for like 300, rather than a used one for like 100. He also wants a new car, that's a 2 seater sports car.

Meanwhile, I am going to have to take all sorts of drugs, go to countless doctor apointments, watch my weight and my diet like a hawk, and pray continuosly just to get pregnant. How is that fair?

Fractured Rainbows: Today I Am Missing You

I was cruising some blogs today, and found this. It touched my heart. I commented, because I know the feeling, even though I haven't been trying long. I was told by my (ex, very bad) doctor when I was 16 that PCOS meant that I would almost definitely never get pregnant. Until I was in my 20's I believed her. This is why I think education, and second opinions are sooooooooooo important. For now, please read this and know you aren't alone.

Fractured Rainbows: Today I Am Missing You

Day One: pretty not good.

So today is day one of the Baby Diet. What did I have for breakfast? A giant spinach (high in folate) salad with tomatoes, zucchini, carrots, and a little dressing. Oh yeah...and a big slice of cake. Still, the whole meal only was 500 calories. I know the doctor said to cut out white flour and sugar, but its going to be tough. I am going to try, but MAN do I like a nice piece of bread with stew, or to bake a fresh cake. I am going to miss that stuff for a while.

She also recommended strenuous exercise. So, I have a Kinect, and Dance Central. For now, that is going to have to do until I can get our bikes fixed up this weekend. Then, its riding the bike to and from work everyday, plus Zumba on Thursdays and Dance Central for fun. I want to try to burn 3500 calories a week. I know thats a lot, but if I can manage it, it will really help jump start that sucky PCOS metabolism.

Since this is anonymous, I don't feel ashamed to say that I weigh 252 right now, and thats after I LOST 35 lbs, and then gained 7 back over the holidays!

The Doctor

I know it's not possible, but I have this little movie running through my head of the Dr running a PT and she comes back in the room and is like "Well, you don't need to do anything! You ARE pregnant!" and then we celebrate and all is well. It's this stupid thought that is making me concerned for how I am going to handle let-downs and frustrations of IF. I was reading a few blogs of other girls with PCOS last night, and it helped. I am trying so hard to be realistic, but I am desperately hoping that this will be easy... Dr. Appt. in 1 and a half hours.

Update:
Dr's appt was suprisingly not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be (it was as comfortable as allowing a stranger to shove metal instruments up your Hoo-Ha can be). I am pretty impressed with Dr. J. She looked at my info and talked with me for a good 20 minutes. Then, she paid me a compliment! "For having PCOS, your symptoms are pretty mild." But this is not all good news. It means that she wants to RETEST for everything, because it is possible I don't have PCOS but some other thing is going on possibly. So, its sort of one step back, two steps forward. It's not all bad though; I am happy that I am going to get things figured out. She also recommended strenuous cardio, and a diet low in white flour or refined sugar. That's going to be rough at best.

Its like 830, and I have had a migraine since like 2...Its weird because Dr J asked if I get them frequently and i told her usually one every one or two months...but this is my 3rd this month. Ill keep an eye on it and let her know next time. I need to schedule for that blood work.

Start Here.

   I decided to start this blog, because I believe that this can help me as well as other women going through the same things. I am 25, and I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I am married a wonderful man, and we want to have children. PCOS makes that very difficult. We are lucky, because time is still on our side, but we are going to start utilizing that to our advantage. Tomorrow, I am seeing a gynecologist to discuss what steps we need to take to become pregnant.

   I intend to use this blog as a tool to vent frustrations that may arise with the process, and to inform others as to what I learn. There is not enough known, or discussed about PCOS. For information on the disorder, please see the helpful resources to the right of the blog. I will post as many helpful resources as I find.

   About me and my diagnosis: I was 15 when I was diagnosed with PCOS, and hadn't had a regular period since my first one at age 11. I was diagnosed by a gynecologist, after she ran blood tests to check hormone levels and did an ultrasound on my ovaries and saw the cysts.

   Some other things you should know; I am tall, and I was fit until age 11. I gained about 20 lbs that summer, and have continued to gain since. I now weigh 245, and thats after having lost 30lbs this year. I have an issue with facial and body hair (hirsutism), though its not nearly as bad as some girls have. I only have a few dark hairs on my chin which are easily pluck-able, and a couple strays that grow on my face, and exceptionally dark lip hair, which I bleach and wax. I do not get a regular period. I have gone from weeks to years without getting one. I did take the pill while in highschool, but had a lot of side effects, and half the time didn't remember the damn thing anyways. When I took it again in college, I bled a lot and was advised not to take it. 

   I have noticed that when I am dieting and exercising, or very active, I do tend to get a period. For instance, for the 4 months before my wedding, when I was working full time, plus planning a wedding, I had a semi-regular, though very light, period.

A lot of girls have insulin resistance with PCOS. I am lucky so far. My sugars have always been normal. My doctor put me on Metformin in high school, but I was, and still am, afraid of taking medicines I do not need. However, I have done some research and found that Metformin also helps prevent insulin resistance, so I am open to trying it again.

That's a (not so brief) history of my life with PCOS. I am trying to be thorough so that those who are just learning about this disorder have a good understanding. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.